We all know that I have this deep need, longing to feel connected to people, to get down to the depths of the soul, what makes a person tick, to understand what they are afraid of, what motivates them, what they believe in, what they hold true, what makes them cry, what makes them laugh, what brings joy and what breaks their heart. It's not so much to ask is it? It seems like isn't that exactly what we are here for? And what stops us from allowing ourselves to be just that raw with one another. I have this theory about why with some people that openness comes with so much ease. I think we all come from the same source, some massive Divine energy, that I can't begin to define. I think some of us come into being and when we meet someone that was somewhere close to us back at the source, shared the same space of energy perhaps, there is a knowing, a gentle lightness of being in the presence of one of these souls that knows, they get you in a way that others might not. They might even speak truths that you have thought but have not yet been able to put in to words.
One of those people from my past contacted me the other day. I am sorry to say that our last interaction some 12 or 13 or 15 years ago, who is counting, really, was a negative one. We ended on a sour note. I didn't realize I still held some negative energy in my heart until I got the email. The odd part about it was that in feeling what I did, I realized that the reason we hurt others is out of an effort to protect ourselves and all that does in turn is create this self fulfilling prophecy, preventing us from healing from the very thing we fear. Isn't that odd? And in reading the email, I realized they are still wrestling with this same fear from however many years ago and it gave me permission to let go, knowing it never had anything to do with me.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
There is Enough for Everyone
I'm coming up on my 35th birthday here any day now. I am excited about turning 35, the 30s have really been good years for me thus far. I'm feeling as good as ever, strong, sexy, sensitive, simpler, sillier, sassier, surer (not sure if surer is a word or not, but I'm going with it, it starts with an s...and what that has to do with anything, I'm not sure, or surer.)
Anyways, I had one of those great moments today driving to work...which by the way, I don't have to do everyday. I have had to go to "work" the last 2 days, from 8:30 to 4, which has felt good for me, hasn't been a drag or anything, it's just made me really grateful that I don't have to do this everyday, or 5 days a week, or even 1 day every week. I realize how much free time I have, how much slower my life has become since having Willis and quitting my job at the lung association. It's a slow pace we travel at, our life is full, there is nothing dull about it, we just have the freedom to take our time when we need to (which is good, when you are the mother of a dawdler or gawker). I've just been struck by the contrast of what else it could be like and reminded to be presently aware of how good it really is right now, even if we don't have as much money as we would if I was doing this every single day. My time is worth more than money, I know that is true for me, without a doubt. But, back to my drive...I had just dropped Willis off at my dad's and was cruising down the road, when that loud voice of the Divine spoke to me...THERE IS ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE, EVEN YOU! I laughed out loud, I've spent the better part of my 35 years looking at life with the lens of not having enough, not being good enough, not feeling loved enough, understood enough...basically just feeling like I didn't have enough. Today, I was finally enlightened...I get it. You can't always get what you want...but you get what you need....ah...feels good.
Anyways, I had one of those great moments today driving to work...which by the way, I don't have to do everyday. I have had to go to "work" the last 2 days, from 8:30 to 4, which has felt good for me, hasn't been a drag or anything, it's just made me really grateful that I don't have to do this everyday, or 5 days a week, or even 1 day every week. I realize how much free time I have, how much slower my life has become since having Willis and quitting my job at the lung association. It's a slow pace we travel at, our life is full, there is nothing dull about it, we just have the freedom to take our time when we need to (which is good, when you are the mother of a dawdler or gawker). I've just been struck by the contrast of what else it could be like and reminded to be presently aware of how good it really is right now, even if we don't have as much money as we would if I was doing this every single day. My time is worth more than money, I know that is true for me, without a doubt. But, back to my drive...I had just dropped Willis off at my dad's and was cruising down the road, when that loud voice of the Divine spoke to me...THERE IS ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE, EVEN YOU! I laughed out loud, I've spent the better part of my 35 years looking at life with the lens of not having enough, not being good enough, not feeling loved enough, understood enough...basically just feeling like I didn't have enough. Today, I was finally enlightened...I get it. You can't always get what you want...but you get what you need....ah...feels good.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Large and In Charge
I haven't blogged for a bit, I've been rather busy. School started for Ruby, I have 2 jobs (both part time, of course) on top of being a wife and mother which are both full time jobs. Then I took on chairing the fall fundraiser for Ruby's school...phew, I'm tired writing all of those things. So, anyway, the fundraiser... the Fall Harvest Festival. I was co-in charge and what I have learned from the experience (the event was this afternoon) is that it's great to be in charge, especially when you have good people working with you. I think I probably did the least amount of work of all involved, maybe not, maybe it's just a good role for me because it felt easy... and that is what I realized, too (did I just say that? I'm tired.) that when you are doing the right thing, it doesn't so much feel like work. And what a treat it is when the job is complete and you can sit back and think...wow, I was a part of pulling this off and look how well it went. Don't worry, I didn't pat myself on the back too hard, knowing I'd need my arm to finish cleaning up when the party was over! So, from now on, I'm taking charge, being in charge of everything...just joking.
And what else....hmmm, winter is on it's way. Has never been my favorite season, I always sink into a bit of a rut during the winter season. It's happened for years and even though I know it's coming, I have never seemed to be able to figure out how to ward it off. Last weekend I went on my annual yoga retreat with 8 Limbs at Sleeping Lady in Leavenworth (a retreat I highly recommend) and one of my teachers talked about the seasons related to ayurvedic medicine. She said that fall is a rajas (lots of movement, active) season, the air is moving as it is a season of transition, so we get dried out (like wind drys stuff out) and so we need to nourish our bodies with stuff that keeps us juicy, like soup. (sounds logical, no?) And then winter is obviously cold and more tamas (slow and slugish) and you need to continue to nourish the body and go inside (symbolically and literally) to rejuvenate the body to rebirth or emerge anew in the spring. I'm probably not doing her talk on the seasons justice, but it really made sense. She encouraged us to make a plan for winter, to think about a goal for the winter, a project, or something we want to do (start a new hobbie, learn to play the guitar, etc) and that by doing that in the fall, it would help when we get in to that rut of winter, to keep us from burrowing deeper in to it and keep us focused in a direction that would get us through to spring. So, I haven't figured out what I want to get in to this winter, journaling more, definitely, maybe blogging, more than once a month, and knitting also sounds good. Maybe I will finally start that book I've been talking about writing for years now. There is a new baby coming in the family and I'm sure it would be most satisfying to knit a nice blanket for that little bundle that will be arriving in January. Just thinking about that brings a smile to my face and I'm thinking maybe there is something to be said for having a plan. Neighbor Sue always says "gotta have a plan", maybe she is right, wouldn't be the first time!
Well, I'm off to see what I can find to be in charge of for the winter....large and in charge, that's me!
And what else....hmmm, winter is on it's way. Has never been my favorite season, I always sink into a bit of a rut during the winter season. It's happened for years and even though I know it's coming, I have never seemed to be able to figure out how to ward it off. Last weekend I went on my annual yoga retreat with 8 Limbs at Sleeping Lady in Leavenworth (a retreat I highly recommend) and one of my teachers talked about the seasons related to ayurvedic medicine. She said that fall is a rajas (lots of movement, active) season, the air is moving as it is a season of transition, so we get dried out (like wind drys stuff out) and so we need to nourish our bodies with stuff that keeps us juicy, like soup. (sounds logical, no?) And then winter is obviously cold and more tamas (slow and slugish) and you need to continue to nourish the body and go inside (symbolically and literally) to rejuvenate the body to rebirth or emerge anew in the spring. I'm probably not doing her talk on the seasons justice, but it really made sense. She encouraged us to make a plan for winter, to think about a goal for the winter, a project, or something we want to do (start a new hobbie, learn to play the guitar, etc) and that by doing that in the fall, it would help when we get in to that rut of winter, to keep us from burrowing deeper in to it and keep us focused in a direction that would get us through to spring. So, I haven't figured out what I want to get in to this winter, journaling more, definitely, maybe blogging, more than once a month, and knitting also sounds good. Maybe I will finally start that book I've been talking about writing for years now. There is a new baby coming in the family and I'm sure it would be most satisfying to knit a nice blanket for that little bundle that will be arriving in January. Just thinking about that brings a smile to my face and I'm thinking maybe there is something to be said for having a plan. Neighbor Sue always says "gotta have a plan", maybe she is right, wouldn't be the first time!
Well, I'm off to see what I can find to be in charge of for the winter....large and in charge, that's me!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Split Personalities
I've had this great epiphany...not that I always put it in to practice, but if you can just give what you do 100% of your attention, it sure does make life easier. I have been doing this work from home thing for about a year now, last year it was such a struggle. I felt like I wasn't doing anything with my whole heart, not completely giving myself to my work and not completely giving myself to my family.
I made the decision this year to carve out some time for my work on a weekly basis, working from home, without any children in the house, and it's made a world of difference. My job actually then feels like a gift, I feel excited (instead of frustrated) as I make phone calls and do the work and then when I pick my kids up later, I give them my whole self without being distracted by what I need to get done with my work, etc. It's kind of funny, it has everything to do with being in the present, the here and now (very yoga-ish and something I should already know). Not being physically in one place and mentally trying to be someplace else. Easier said than done, yes. There is still always laundry and dishes, cleaning around the house to be done, tidying up that would make our life look a little saner, really what counts though is these precious moments we spend together, with our whole hearts present, not drawn in some other direction. In the end, that will keep us all a bit saner, more so than having a clean house and a split personality! If I can remember to do this, stay present with what I am doing, at least once a day, life will be better for us all! I better go leave myself a note, so I remember to do it tomorrow....just kidding!
I made the decision this year to carve out some time for my work on a weekly basis, working from home, without any children in the house, and it's made a world of difference. My job actually then feels like a gift, I feel excited (instead of frustrated) as I make phone calls and do the work and then when I pick my kids up later, I give them my whole self without being distracted by what I need to get done with my work, etc. It's kind of funny, it has everything to do with being in the present, the here and now (very yoga-ish and something I should already know). Not being physically in one place and mentally trying to be someplace else. Easier said than done, yes. There is still always laundry and dishes, cleaning around the house to be done, tidying up that would make our life look a little saner, really what counts though is these precious moments we spend together, with our whole hearts present, not drawn in some other direction. In the end, that will keep us all a bit saner, more so than having a clean house and a split personality! If I can remember to do this, stay present with what I am doing, at least once a day, life will be better for us all! I better go leave myself a note, so I remember to do it tomorrow....just kidding!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
You're It
My friend and neighbor, which are in fact the same person, "tagged" me some time ago on her blog. I'm not sure if this is a real cyber thing or if someone just made it up, anyways, being tagged means you have to share 6 random things about yourself. Being tagged could be worse...
1. I love to process "stuff" out loud. Some wise woman once told me that you tell your story until you think you've been heard. Sean has commented more than once, "I've heard you tell that story to 4 different people in the last 2 days." Obviously no one was listening well enough! Ha. It's just one of those things, I have to talk it out to feel like I can figure it out.
2. I dislike hosting parties. I love people, I love when friends or family drop by for a visit, BUT I do not enjoy planning or hosting a party. I have yet to understand this, although I kind of have a clue...I'd rather spend my time at a party talking to one person in some deep conversation about what really matters in life, than to do the nice-ities with everyone there.
3. I love to dance, it frees my soul and makes me feel alive in my skin. I wish I had a night club in Yakima I could go get my groove on whenever I desired.
4. I have a real thing about hands. It's one of the first things I notice about people (Heather and I have discussed this. Sue's friend Heather put hands and feet as one of her 6 random things.) If someone has bad hands, I have a hard time getting past that. Very superficial I know, it's just one of those things for me.
5. I believe in soul mates. Soul mates are really just a part of ourselves living outside our body. It's so dynamic to meet one of your soul mates because you already know one another without sharing a word. Yes, you can have more than one.
6. I'm a morning person, I love being up before anyone else in the house. I love the quiet of it, the sweetness of being awake to see the sunrise and the dawn of a new day.
If you read this, you're it. You're tagged, share your 6!
1. I love to process "stuff" out loud. Some wise woman once told me that you tell your story until you think you've been heard. Sean has commented more than once, "I've heard you tell that story to 4 different people in the last 2 days." Obviously no one was listening well enough! Ha. It's just one of those things, I have to talk it out to feel like I can figure it out.
2. I dislike hosting parties. I love people, I love when friends or family drop by for a visit, BUT I do not enjoy planning or hosting a party. I have yet to understand this, although I kind of have a clue...I'd rather spend my time at a party talking to one person in some deep conversation about what really matters in life, than to do the nice-ities with everyone there.
3. I love to dance, it frees my soul and makes me feel alive in my skin. I wish I had a night club in Yakima I could go get my groove on whenever I desired.
4. I have a real thing about hands. It's one of the first things I notice about people (Heather and I have discussed this. Sue's friend Heather put hands and feet as one of her 6 random things.) If someone has bad hands, I have a hard time getting past that. Very superficial I know, it's just one of those things for me.
5. I believe in soul mates. Soul mates are really just a part of ourselves living outside our body. It's so dynamic to meet one of your soul mates because you already know one another without sharing a word. Yes, you can have more than one.
6. I'm a morning person, I love being up before anyone else in the house. I love the quiet of it, the sweetness of being awake to see the sunrise and the dawn of a new day.
If you read this, you're it. You're tagged, share your 6!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
lost and found
I had a funny experience today at the evening yoga class I teach. I always play music when I teach and have an I-Pod with playlists on it that I use. My husband often teases me about how I spend more time preparing music for the class than preparing the actual yoga for the class, might be some truth to that. Anyway, I keep all my yoga stuff in the same bag that I cart back and forth from home to the studio. As I unpacked my bag today, no I-pod. I hadn't used it since class on Monday and couldn't figure out where the heck it could be. Went out to my car to see if it fell out of "THE BAG", no where to be seen. So, I sat with the thought for awhile of maybe someone stole it, maybe it fell out of the bag and out of my car...couldn't quite figure it out. I kept rechecking the bag to see if I'd missed it somehow. The bag is not that big and there isn't that much stuff in it. I think they call that INSANITY, when you keep doing the same thing expecting a different result. Ha! Reminds me of a time in college when my bike got stolen from outside my work and I kept going back in to the building and coming out again thinking maybe my bike would be there...it never was! Anyway, that is another story.
So, after succumbing to the idea that I would not have my music for class, I checked the CD player and there were some random CDs in there. I posed the question to the class, asking if they wanted that music or none...a wise student said "I think this is a great opportunity for us to use our imaginations." No music it was. As I started the class, it felt awkward, I'm used to having the music to fill the space of quiet. I eased in to it and eventually found my groove and found myself letting go of the I-pod and actually enjoying the change and the awareness the lack of music brought to my teaching. At the end of class, all the students are in savasana, corpse pose, and I was sitting trying to meditate. That dang I-pod kept coming in to my thoughts and I kept telling myself to just let it go. After about 5 minutes of this struggle with myself, I finally realized, it was okay to drop it. I did and then opened my eyes. My i-pod was sitting right in front of me, neatly tucked in to the prayer bowl I ring at the end of class, to signal savasana is over. A big smile crept across my face...it was right in front of me all along! In the end, I appreciated what not having music brought to the practice and the teaching for me, I think I might do it every once in a while, just to keep things fresh!
So, after succumbing to the idea that I would not have my music for class, I checked the CD player and there were some random CDs in there. I posed the question to the class, asking if they wanted that music or none...a wise student said "I think this is a great opportunity for us to use our imaginations." No music it was. As I started the class, it felt awkward, I'm used to having the music to fill the space of quiet. I eased in to it and eventually found my groove and found myself letting go of the I-pod and actually enjoying the change and the awareness the lack of music brought to my teaching. At the end of class, all the students are in savasana, corpse pose, and I was sitting trying to meditate. That dang I-pod kept coming in to my thoughts and I kept telling myself to just let it go. After about 5 minutes of this struggle with myself, I finally realized, it was okay to drop it. I did and then opened my eyes. My i-pod was sitting right in front of me, neatly tucked in to the prayer bowl I ring at the end of class, to signal savasana is over. A big smile crept across my face...it was right in front of me all along! In the end, I appreciated what not having music brought to the practice and the teaching for me, I think I might do it every once in a while, just to keep things fresh!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Grandma Ruby
I haven't blogged for an eternity (well more accurately, about 5 months) and I couldn't remember the web address, so I checked Sue's blog where I knew there was a link to my delinquent blog. I was feeling inspired to blog about my grandma, she died yesterday at the ripe old age of 96. Low and behold, Sue's blog was all about her 2 grandmas.
After my grandpa died (I think he was 92, or maybe 94) Grandma Ruby lived by herself for awhile and then eventually transitioned in to assisted living, where she broke her hip and ended up in the nursing home where she has been for the last 3+ years. She was a spicy woman and even in her old age and deteriorating health, she still had a sense of humor and a wit about her. I didn't know my grandma all that well, despite her living in the same town for most of my life, and being only blocks away from where I live. We were never what you would call close. When I named my daughter after her, she said "Well, you must like me somewhat if you'd name your daughter after me." You always knew where you stand with her, she'd tell you if she didn't like your haircut, or if she did. She was honest, sometimes painfully, but I respect and appreciate honesty in anyone. I'd much rather hear the truth that wonder what someone really thinks.
I wasn't sure how to approach her death with my Ruby - at 3 1/2 you don't necessarily know how to process such a think, but I figured honesty was the best approach and went with it. Here is the conversation...
me: Ruby, I need to tell you something. Grandma Ruby died this morning.
Ruby: That's really sad, Mama.
me: It is sad, honey.
Ruby: You know what, Mom. It's okay, she's with God now.
I then gave her some version if you need to talk about this more....blah blah blah and she said "Don't worry mom, I'm not sad. I am just missing her."
She's an amazing little being, that Ruby. Also sort of serendipitous, this week at yoga I read a poem titled "When Death Comes" by Mary Oliver. If you haven't read it, it's worth finding and reading. It talks about how she wants to have lived her life when it's over, taking in all the preciousness of our time here and living with a spirit of curiosity and wonder, not simply visiting the earth. A good reminder to take time to notice all that surrounds you, to know the hearts of those you love and to be present in every moment have.
After my grandpa died (I think he was 92, or maybe 94) Grandma Ruby lived by herself for awhile and then eventually transitioned in to assisted living, where she broke her hip and ended up in the nursing home where she has been for the last 3+ years. She was a spicy woman and even in her old age and deteriorating health, she still had a sense of humor and a wit about her. I didn't know my grandma all that well, despite her living in the same town for most of my life, and being only blocks away from where I live. We were never what you would call close. When I named my daughter after her, she said "Well, you must like me somewhat if you'd name your daughter after me." You always knew where you stand with her, she'd tell you if she didn't like your haircut, or if she did. She was honest, sometimes painfully, but I respect and appreciate honesty in anyone. I'd much rather hear the truth that wonder what someone really thinks.
I wasn't sure how to approach her death with my Ruby - at 3 1/2 you don't necessarily know how to process such a think, but I figured honesty was the best approach and went with it. Here is the conversation...
me: Ruby, I need to tell you something. Grandma Ruby died this morning.
Ruby: That's really sad, Mama.
me: It is sad, honey.
Ruby: You know what, Mom. It's okay, she's with God now.
I then gave her some version if you need to talk about this more....blah blah blah and she said "Don't worry mom, I'm not sad. I am just missing her."
She's an amazing little being, that Ruby. Also sort of serendipitous, this week at yoga I read a poem titled "When Death Comes" by Mary Oliver. If you haven't read it, it's worth finding and reading. It talks about how she wants to have lived her life when it's over, taking in all the preciousness of our time here and living with a spirit of curiosity and wonder, not simply visiting the earth. A good reminder to take time to notice all that surrounds you, to know the hearts of those you love and to be present in every moment have.
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