Friday night, as we sat together as a family eating dinner, talking about our days, Ruby and Willis launched in to a discussion about Martin Luther King, Jr, or as Willis calls him Dr. Markin Luther. He says it like he has a mouth full of marbles. Both of them had lessons at school about who Dr. King was, about his experiences and why we celebrate his life. Ruby was part of an assembly at school. She memorized a little blurb about him, something like "L is for laws, being equal for all. He stood for civil rights..." I forget the rest. She spent the week memorizing it, trying to get the word civil ingrained her memory. It went from cill, to cibil, to civil. I think she finally did get it. As she talked about the assembly, she said, "Did you know that there was this lady, Rosa Parks, who got arrested for sitting down on the bus? They wouldn't let her sit in the front and that is NOT fair. She knew it wasn't right, so she just sat down in front anyways." She told more of the story, said she knew another word for being killed, assassinated. Not a word I necessarily want my 1st grader using, but in the context she spoke of, I felt proud that she understood what it meant. She described how people were treated different "just because they have different colored skin, isn't that wrong?" She told us how all the people said, fine, we won't use your buses then. We don't need them, we can walk or ride bikes...peaceful protest.
Willis on the other hand, true to form, told his story of Dr. Markin Luther. He said that police shot people with bee-bees, that police shot sombody's eye out. Lovely, no? It fascinates me what he took away from the story, which I am sure was age appropriate, at that age they just grab on to certain pieces, and Willis' was of course the part involving shooting. He also said that a lady with black hair got in trouble for being on the bus and then said to my mom that she kind of has black hair, but not really black. I'd love to sit in that little mind of his for a moment and know how his little wheels are spinning.
Teaching children about peace and equality is not always an easy conversation to have, parts of it are difficult to explain. When Ruby asks me "Why would people do that?" wondering about people who are mean or violent towards another, why wouldn't people let them sit where they wanted on the bus...I don't always have the answers or know how to articulate them in a way she can understand. I'm thankful for her little peaceful heart that knows what is fair and what isn't, that she knows it isn't always easy to stand up for what's right, that it takes being brave and it might be scary, but it's the right thing to do.
My kids will grow up in a country that I think is more fair and just than the one Dr. King lived in, and one of the reasons why it's more fair is, of course, because of people like him who were brave and wise and stood for peace. We still have a long way to go. I know that the best way to teach peace is by example and I hope in little and big ways, my children, too, will march on to be catalysts for peace.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Happy New Year
I've been in a quieter, reflective space, winter hibernation mode, you might call it. I've spent more time reading, journaling, writing (pen and paper style). I have been looking at what it is that I want to cultivate in this new year, where I want to focus my energy and attention. I'm not big on new years resolutions, I truly see each day as an opportunity to resolve to do better the next day. At the end of each day, or at least most days, I take a moment or two to reflect and consider whether or not I lived the day well, at the right pace, my own pace. Did I find time to play? Did I laugh with my kids? Did my husband feel especially loved? Did I extend kindness and compassion to those I came in to contact with? Did I speak truthfully and honestly? Did I practice non-harm, in my thoughts, speech and actions? Did I leave the world a little better place than I found it today? Was I a good friend? Some days the questions are easy to answer and other days not. Some days pass by so quickly, I have a hard time remembering particulars about them. Other days have moments, simple moments of truth, that will stand out in my memory for days, weeks, maybe even a lifetime.
In my yoga study, I came across this quote the other day... "how we behave toward others and our environment reveals our state of mind..." It spoke to me. I find my interactions with others, such a reflection of the calm or fury I feel inside. It seems obvious enough, but how often do we sit back and observe our interactions with others and think "wow, I am really embodying the essence of my true nature right now, I am teaching peace by example"? If you are like me, rarely. Every now and then, I find myself, surprised by grace, truly immersed in the beauty of a moment. For whatever reason we often do otherwise. We act out of fear, jealousy, frustration, desire, attachment, grasping, trying to hold on to the way things are, when they inevitably always change...the list is endless. It is only when we sit quietly, keenly alert, at the center of ourselves, that we can operate from this place of beauty. I have witnessed people in my life recently (including myself) interact with others from a place that is less than pure, the opposite of graceful. As I watch (myself sometimes), I wonder, what is it that keeps us from being the very best version of ourselves, all the time. What is it that makes us speak sharply to a stranger, ignore another's needs, think our omissions of truth are not exactly lies? It fascinates me, and not from a judgemental place, I am just as human as the next being. I do believe that at our essence, we are all good, but our tendency is to stray from that and I am not sure why? I guess this is probably one of the age old questions and for whatever reason I seem to be contemplating it right now. My hope for this new year is not that I will be any less human or any more perfect, but that I will find more moments of beauty, grace, compassion, simplicity and pure love. I hope that you will, too.
Happy New Year
In my yoga study, I came across this quote the other day... "how we behave toward others and our environment reveals our state of mind..." It spoke to me. I find my interactions with others, such a reflection of the calm or fury I feel inside. It seems obvious enough, but how often do we sit back and observe our interactions with others and think "wow, I am really embodying the essence of my true nature right now, I am teaching peace by example"? If you are like me, rarely. Every now and then, I find myself, surprised by grace, truly immersed in the beauty of a moment. For whatever reason we often do otherwise. We act out of fear, jealousy, frustration, desire, attachment, grasping, trying to hold on to the way things are, when they inevitably always change...the list is endless. It is only when we sit quietly, keenly alert, at the center of ourselves, that we can operate from this place of beauty. I have witnessed people in my life recently (including myself) interact with others from a place that is less than pure, the opposite of graceful. As I watch (myself sometimes), I wonder, what is it that keeps us from being the very best version of ourselves, all the time. What is it that makes us speak sharply to a stranger, ignore another's needs, think our omissions of truth are not exactly lies? It fascinates me, and not from a judgemental place, I am just as human as the next being. I do believe that at our essence, we are all good, but our tendency is to stray from that and I am not sure why? I guess this is probably one of the age old questions and for whatever reason I seem to be contemplating it right now. My hope for this new year is not that I will be any less human or any more perfect, but that I will find more moments of beauty, grace, compassion, simplicity and pure love. I hope that you will, too.
Happy New Year
Friday, December 17, 2010
Putting it in Perspective
Oh boy...this is the fourth blog entry I have started in the last couple of weeks and never make it around to finishing my train of thought, or get interrupted before I even get going. I feel like life has been so full, full of good stuff, time with friends, time to play, time with the kids, time with my dear husband, time to take care of myself. It's always a balancing act, yes, of course, but this past week, despite the busy schedule has been a rich one.
Last week I was working out in White Swan 2 days in a row. The drive out there is always a good time for me to either get jiggy with myself (also known as, rock out) or to have a long uninterrupted conversation with God (the Divine, life force, the Universe - insert your name of choice). As I shared in my last post, I've been out of sorts for several weeks, off center. I have struggled with a couple of relationships in my life, felt uncomfortable in my own skin at times, irritated by people I love (which I know is my own junk, not theirs) and overall had more tears than normal. I could feel the Universe holding me as I continued to walk through this difficult time. I think those times when we are more raw, more vulnerable, we sometimes pay closer attention. Someone's kind words that we might dismiss, we take to heart, they mean something different when our cup feels empty. I had an old, dear friend send me an email love letter. I've known her since childhood and we don't see each other often, but we always connect with a capital C when we do. She just shared with me what she values in me, kind of out of the blue, and I bawled my eyes out when I read it. Not anything I don't know about myself, but reading it in someone else's words is very powerful, especially when you feel a little lost. People just seemed extra nice, kind, intentional with me. I had extra help with the kids. Maybe I was putting out the vibe that I needed it (of course, I was).
So back to my long drive to White Swan...I was having this heart to heart with God. I said, okay, what's going on here, tell me what I need to do. I am lost, I feel fearful, empty. The response..."You have to take care of yourself. You have to put yourself first." That made me cry even more. Of course. Have I not learned this lesson yet? I get a glimpse of it and then I don't know what the heck happens. I know that when we have these deeply ingrained beliefs about ourselves (like I have to take care of others to be worthy? I'm not sure what the belief is for me, but I often put others needs in front of my own, in a self-sacrificing way that does not make the world a better place), it can be hard to change them. I get it in my head, but am still working on getting it in my heart. Of course, I believe I deserve to have time to myself, I deserve to do things for myself that nourish me, but somehow when the days shake out, I often leave that piece out.
But, not this week. I have had a great week, worked as much as normal, the difference was I carved out time for myself where I could. That meant asking for extra help, planning ahead, being away from the kids more than normal and asking for my husband to do a little bit more. But, damn I feel good and its Friday! Those little gifts of time that we give ourselves are really gifts to those around us too. What we do for ourselves, we do for others, and what we do for others, we do for ourselves. (Somebody wise said this and I'm running with it.) When I fill up my own cup, I have much more to share, to give to others. Which brings me back to what I wanted to write about in the first place...
It's the holidays. There is nothing like children to put the meaning of this season into perspective. When I picked up my sweet little Ruby from school yesterday, she was all a buzz. We HAD to get something for her 5th grade peace partner. They are watching The Polar Express at school today and she wanted to bring a treat to share. She decided she wanted to make those tasty pretzels dipped in chocolate with sprinkles. We stopped by the grocery store on the way home and got the supplies. By the time we left the grocery store, she had a list of 5 other people she wanted to give them to..her teacher, the teacher's aide, the principal, the school counselor, Will's teachers. I let her stay up late so we could finish the pretzels (decorated with more sprinkles than any one human should eat, but looking quite festive). While I cleaned up, Ruby wrote notes to attach to the pretzels..my two favorite were the one for her teacher and the one for the school principal.
For her teacher, "Dear Ms. W. I am glad you are my teacher. Thank you for spending all your money on us."
For the principal, "Mr. B, Thank you for all you do to make our school a better place."
Maybe it's just because I am her mom, but they made my heart fill, spill over with love. She has such a generous, kind and tender little heart about her. I'm grateful she chose me to be her mama. She reminds me what is important, often. She reminds me to see the goodness of people and to be grateful for all the good we have in our lives, even when we feel off.
Happy Holidays.
Last week I was working out in White Swan 2 days in a row. The drive out there is always a good time for me to either get jiggy with myself (also known as, rock out) or to have a long uninterrupted conversation with God (the Divine, life force, the Universe - insert your name of choice). As I shared in my last post, I've been out of sorts for several weeks, off center. I have struggled with a couple of relationships in my life, felt uncomfortable in my own skin at times, irritated by people I love (which I know is my own junk, not theirs) and overall had more tears than normal. I could feel the Universe holding me as I continued to walk through this difficult time. I think those times when we are more raw, more vulnerable, we sometimes pay closer attention. Someone's kind words that we might dismiss, we take to heart, they mean something different when our cup feels empty. I had an old, dear friend send me an email love letter. I've known her since childhood and we don't see each other often, but we always connect with a capital C when we do. She just shared with me what she values in me, kind of out of the blue, and I bawled my eyes out when I read it. Not anything I don't know about myself, but reading it in someone else's words is very powerful, especially when you feel a little lost. People just seemed extra nice, kind, intentional with me. I had extra help with the kids. Maybe I was putting out the vibe that I needed it (of course, I was).
So back to my long drive to White Swan...I was having this heart to heart with God. I said, okay, what's going on here, tell me what I need to do. I am lost, I feel fearful, empty. The response..."You have to take care of yourself. You have to put yourself first." That made me cry even more. Of course. Have I not learned this lesson yet? I get a glimpse of it and then I don't know what the heck happens. I know that when we have these deeply ingrained beliefs about ourselves (like I have to take care of others to be worthy? I'm not sure what the belief is for me, but I often put others needs in front of my own, in a self-sacrificing way that does not make the world a better place), it can be hard to change them. I get it in my head, but am still working on getting it in my heart. Of course, I believe I deserve to have time to myself, I deserve to do things for myself that nourish me, but somehow when the days shake out, I often leave that piece out.
But, not this week. I have had a great week, worked as much as normal, the difference was I carved out time for myself where I could. That meant asking for extra help, planning ahead, being away from the kids more than normal and asking for my husband to do a little bit more. But, damn I feel good and its Friday! Those little gifts of time that we give ourselves are really gifts to those around us too. What we do for ourselves, we do for others, and what we do for others, we do for ourselves. (Somebody wise said this and I'm running with it.) When I fill up my own cup, I have much more to share, to give to others. Which brings me back to what I wanted to write about in the first place...
It's the holidays. There is nothing like children to put the meaning of this season into perspective. When I picked up my sweet little Ruby from school yesterday, she was all a buzz. We HAD to get something for her 5th grade peace partner. They are watching The Polar Express at school today and she wanted to bring a treat to share. She decided she wanted to make those tasty pretzels dipped in chocolate with sprinkles. We stopped by the grocery store on the way home and got the supplies. By the time we left the grocery store, she had a list of 5 other people she wanted to give them to..her teacher, the teacher's aide, the principal, the school counselor, Will's teachers. I let her stay up late so we could finish the pretzels (decorated with more sprinkles than any one human should eat, but looking quite festive). While I cleaned up, Ruby wrote notes to attach to the pretzels..my two favorite were the one for her teacher and the one for the school principal.
For her teacher, "Dear Ms. W. I am glad you are my teacher. Thank you for spending all your money on us."
For the principal, "Mr. B, Thank you for all you do to make our school a better place."
Maybe it's just because I am her mom, but they made my heart fill, spill over with love. She has such a generous, kind and tender little heart about her. I'm grateful she chose me to be her mama. She reminds me what is important, often. She reminds me to see the goodness of people and to be grateful for all the good we have in our lives, even when we feel off.
Happy Holidays.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Ungrounded
I'm not grounded. I am in the throws of seasonal change, hormones, internal life struggles, what I am supposed to be doing questions...anything else? That covers it, mostly. I feel extremely ungrounded, flighty, unfocused, scattered. I can't think of any other descriptors, but you get the gist of it, no?
It's funny. I have been carrying some stuff around for awhile, some struggles, issues, unhealthy behaviors. I've been aware of them, moderately aware, I would say, but I seemed to want to continue carrying the load, until recently. The right person asked the right question and out came the genie, sharing things I had not articulated even to myself, not even in the privacy of my dear little journal who is almost always the first to hear. I started to verbally cleanse myself of all this stuff I have been carrying around, and oddly enough, that has been completely ungrounding for me. I think all that was weighing me down was keeping me grounded and now that I have opened the can of worms, so to speak, I feel a little out of control and uncertain about what to do other than sit right where I am at.
Among other things, my work funding is on the rocks for next year and I verbally committed myself to raising $20,000 so the work can continue next fiscal year. I know that if that is what I want to do, I can raise the money. Fear has crept in, on the other hand, what if people say no when I ask them for money, what if it's hard, what if I fail...etc. So I say to myself, just start asking, who cares. You can't predict the outcome. But, it has also forced me to ask the question of myself, is this what you want to be doing with your time? I think so, yes, it's important work and I do believe it makes a difference. In the midst of my scatteredness, though, I think, wouldn't it be nice to have something more stable, more consistent. Yes, but I wouldn't trade that consistency for the flexibility and time I get with my kids, ever.
I've been doing this month of gratitude on facebook, posting something daily (or at least most days) that I am grateful for. I find myself struggling some days to think of something and then I pinch myself, like duh, you have SO much to be grateful for. Why is this hard for you at the moment? I think I need to extend myself a little grace. It's okay to be ungrounded, to feel uncertain, fearful, and maybe what I'm thankful for today is that I don't feel like that every day.
That's all for now....I'm stuck.
It's funny. I have been carrying some stuff around for awhile, some struggles, issues, unhealthy behaviors. I've been aware of them, moderately aware, I would say, but I seemed to want to continue carrying the load, until recently. The right person asked the right question and out came the genie, sharing things I had not articulated even to myself, not even in the privacy of my dear little journal who is almost always the first to hear. I started to verbally cleanse myself of all this stuff I have been carrying around, and oddly enough, that has been completely ungrounding for me. I think all that was weighing me down was keeping me grounded and now that I have opened the can of worms, so to speak, I feel a little out of control and uncertain about what to do other than sit right where I am at.
Among other things, my work funding is on the rocks for next year and I verbally committed myself to raising $20,000 so the work can continue next fiscal year. I know that if that is what I want to do, I can raise the money. Fear has crept in, on the other hand, what if people say no when I ask them for money, what if it's hard, what if I fail...etc. So I say to myself, just start asking, who cares. You can't predict the outcome. But, it has also forced me to ask the question of myself, is this what you want to be doing with your time? I think so, yes, it's important work and I do believe it makes a difference. In the midst of my scatteredness, though, I think, wouldn't it be nice to have something more stable, more consistent. Yes, but I wouldn't trade that consistency for the flexibility and time I get with my kids, ever.
I've been doing this month of gratitude on facebook, posting something daily (or at least most days) that I am grateful for. I find myself struggling some days to think of something and then I pinch myself, like duh, you have SO much to be grateful for. Why is this hard for you at the moment? I think I need to extend myself a little grace. It's okay to be ungrounded, to feel uncertain, fearful, and maybe what I'm thankful for today is that I don't feel like that every day.
That's all for now....I'm stuck.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Spiritual Hunger
I feel hungry. I have for a couple of weeks, maybe a month, and I think I am just now finding my way to articulate it. This feeling has come and gone throughout my adult life. If you ever experience that longing for a deep spiritual connection, you know what I am talking about. If you haven't, I'm not sure I know how to explain it. I feel restless. I find myself spending time on the computer, mindlessly looking for something, what I don't know. I wake up in the midst of it and think, I am totally wasting my time. I am not going to find what I am looking for in somebody else's facebook post, or email or whatever. This hunger is spiritual. It's a need to feel connected to something greater than myself.
I have passed up two recent opportunities to participate in something that might have fed me a bit. I'm not sure why. I won't say I regret not doing these things, but I do find myself wondering why I opted not to, knowing that I feel this discontent. There have been times in my life when I feel like I know exactly what I am supposed to be doing, and I'm doing it. There are times like right now when I am not entirely sure what I am supposed to be doing. I keep doing what I do, sharing and giving when and where I can, but it doesn't feel like enough. Not in a I'm not good enough kind of way, but in a way that feels like I am being called to something more....I just don't know what that more is.
I continue to teach yoga, which is usually a place that feels connected for me, but right now that isn't doing the trick. I'm not sad, depressed, unhappy, nothing like that. I just feel like I need my soul to be shifted a bit. I shared this with a friend on Monday and she replied, "Sometimes it is hard to be a woman who feels things deeply and longs for connectedness. I will pray that you have peace in your soul and insight into what you need." Heck, that is my prayer to.
In the mean time, I will try to allow myself to just feel what I do. To sit with this uneasiness, knowing that it will not stay as it is. I know that everything changes, that is one constant in all of our lives, and so what I feel will evolve and shift and move into something different. I think I am beginning to feel like I might be able to create a little space in my life for something that would nourish me, I'm just not sure what that is. Elsie is less dependent on me physically, I feel like I am getting much better about asking for help, about not feeling guilty for taking care of my own needs, I just am not entirely sure how to tend to this particular need right now. So I sit, spiritually hungry, praying for some awakening, some a-ha, something to happen next. It always does.
I have passed up two recent opportunities to participate in something that might have fed me a bit. I'm not sure why. I won't say I regret not doing these things, but I do find myself wondering why I opted not to, knowing that I feel this discontent. There have been times in my life when I feel like I know exactly what I am supposed to be doing, and I'm doing it. There are times like right now when I am not entirely sure what I am supposed to be doing. I keep doing what I do, sharing and giving when and where I can, but it doesn't feel like enough. Not in a I'm not good enough kind of way, but in a way that feels like I am being called to something more....I just don't know what that more is.
I continue to teach yoga, which is usually a place that feels connected for me, but right now that isn't doing the trick. I'm not sad, depressed, unhappy, nothing like that. I just feel like I need my soul to be shifted a bit. I shared this with a friend on Monday and she replied, "Sometimes it is hard to be a woman who feels things deeply and longs for connectedness. I will pray that you have peace in your soul and insight into what you need." Heck, that is my prayer to.
In the mean time, I will try to allow myself to just feel what I do. To sit with this uneasiness, knowing that it will not stay as it is. I know that everything changes, that is one constant in all of our lives, and so what I feel will evolve and shift and move into something different. I think I am beginning to feel like I might be able to create a little space in my life for something that would nourish me, I'm just not sure what that is. Elsie is less dependent on me physically, I feel like I am getting much better about asking for help, about not feeling guilty for taking care of my own needs, I just am not entirely sure how to tend to this particular need right now. So I sit, spiritually hungry, praying for some awakening, some a-ha, something to happen next. It always does.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Parenthood
My show is on tonight, Parenthood, but that isn't the parenthood I'm going to write about. My dear husband is out of town tonight, I'm flyin' solo and I'm tired, I'll be lucky to stay up for it tonight. I should be cleaning up the dinner dishes, following up on some work stuff, baking cookies to do something with all that leftover Halloween candy (my newest idea is Peanut Butter Crunch Cookies - as in Crunch bar). I haven't made Ruby's lunch for tomorrow yet and I have a kink in my neck that is literally a real pain in the neck, but I've been itching to blog, so screw the work, I'm taking a moment here.
I was having a conversation with my friend today about how hard it is to be a parent. Actually, I was telling her about how tiring it was to crack down on Willis this week and she said, "I always tell myself when I'm doing some thing that is exhausting me as a parent, being a good parent is hard work." It is so true. No one tells you before you become one that if you are going to succeed at this, or at least offer your child the best possible springboard to jump from, you are going to work your ass off. You have to be extremely consistent, dedicated, disciplined, motivated, patient...the list goes on.
Last week was conferences for Ruby's school. They had half days, out at noon every day. Willis always gets out at noon and we usually have this leisurely lunch together, he, Elsie and I. Then I put Elsie down, or not, and Willis takes a rest. It's usually a pretty uneventful lunch hour, he's tired from school and ready to chill out, he rarely protests about his nap and goes down easy. Last week, it was another story. He often had several time outs before nap time, protested or practiced his best stall tactics and by the end of the week he was a bit of a bear. I have to attribute it to the change in the routine, but who knows, he could have just been having one of those weeks where you are more irritable, edgy, aggressive. He is a Gemini, maybe the twin was hanging out with us last week, who knows?
Friday night Sean and I were sitting on the couch after the kids had gone to bed and we ended up watching Super Nanny. That woman knows her stuff and you can watch how effective it is when people practice what she preaches. It works. You just have to set clear boundaries, stay calm, and be consistent. I was gone all day Saturday and Sunday morning I could tell Papa Bear was in desperate need of a break from the kids. I saw it as a great opportunity to put into practice what I already know works, from watching Super Nanny and from doing it sometimes, and I just focused on what needs a little shaping up in my parenting. For starters, I am not always consistent and I don't always follow through. I will tell the kids to do the same thing multiple times with no response and so then I get ticked off and raise my voice and then they do it. Why don't I just tell them once and let them know what the consequences will be if they don't do what I ask the first time? duh. Instead of getting royally p'd off at Willis when he gets rough with his sisters or does something naughty, I get down to his level, tell him what he's done wrong and what the consequences are. He then willingly takes his punishment, and I don't end up dragging him to his time out. It's great.
It seems so obvious when I parent well, why the whole thing works. Why do I get lazy and start slacking on the job? Probably like most things in life, it takes a lot of self discipline to do what is right. For whatever reason, our tendency is often to do otherwise. Even with Sean gone tonight, and having an extra kid in the mix for an hour, I had a very smooth evening. I did not raise my voice once today with the kids. I don't think we had any major melt downs. I felt happy and satisfied putting them to bed and didn't crumple on to the couch with a big sigh, thinking finally, they are in bed. I actually feel like I still have some energy.
I'm going to try to stick with the program. I know it is easier on my kids and its definitely easier on me. Now, if I could only get the dog to get with the program.....
I was having a conversation with my friend today about how hard it is to be a parent. Actually, I was telling her about how tiring it was to crack down on Willis this week and she said, "I always tell myself when I'm doing some thing that is exhausting me as a parent, being a good parent is hard work." It is so true. No one tells you before you become one that if you are going to succeed at this, or at least offer your child the best possible springboard to jump from, you are going to work your ass off. You have to be extremely consistent, dedicated, disciplined, motivated, patient...the list goes on.
Last week was conferences for Ruby's school. They had half days, out at noon every day. Willis always gets out at noon and we usually have this leisurely lunch together, he, Elsie and I. Then I put Elsie down, or not, and Willis takes a rest. It's usually a pretty uneventful lunch hour, he's tired from school and ready to chill out, he rarely protests about his nap and goes down easy. Last week, it was another story. He often had several time outs before nap time, protested or practiced his best stall tactics and by the end of the week he was a bit of a bear. I have to attribute it to the change in the routine, but who knows, he could have just been having one of those weeks where you are more irritable, edgy, aggressive. He is a Gemini, maybe the twin was hanging out with us last week, who knows?
Friday night Sean and I were sitting on the couch after the kids had gone to bed and we ended up watching Super Nanny. That woman knows her stuff and you can watch how effective it is when people practice what she preaches. It works. You just have to set clear boundaries, stay calm, and be consistent. I was gone all day Saturday and Sunday morning I could tell Papa Bear was in desperate need of a break from the kids. I saw it as a great opportunity to put into practice what I already know works, from watching Super Nanny and from doing it sometimes, and I just focused on what needs a little shaping up in my parenting. For starters, I am not always consistent and I don't always follow through. I will tell the kids to do the same thing multiple times with no response and so then I get ticked off and raise my voice and then they do it. Why don't I just tell them once and let them know what the consequences will be if they don't do what I ask the first time? duh. Instead of getting royally p'd off at Willis when he gets rough with his sisters or does something naughty, I get down to his level, tell him what he's done wrong and what the consequences are. He then willingly takes his punishment, and I don't end up dragging him to his time out. It's great.
It seems so obvious when I parent well, why the whole thing works. Why do I get lazy and start slacking on the job? Probably like most things in life, it takes a lot of self discipline to do what is right. For whatever reason, our tendency is often to do otherwise. Even with Sean gone tonight, and having an extra kid in the mix for an hour, I had a very smooth evening. I did not raise my voice once today with the kids. I don't think we had any major melt downs. I felt happy and satisfied putting them to bed and didn't crumple on to the couch with a big sigh, thinking finally, they are in bed. I actually feel like I still have some energy.
I'm going to try to stick with the program. I know it is easier on my kids and its definitely easier on me. Now, if I could only get the dog to get with the program.....
Sunday, November 7, 2010
It's Getting Hot in Here
I currently have two kids napping, one in the backyard doing her homework on the kids picnic table, and pumpkin chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven. I've been a blog slacker for the last two weeks and if I am lucky, I'll get this entry out before the timer goes off or the kids go off, so to speak.
Yesterday, my yogi friend and I travelled to Seattle for the day to do yoga. We went to take a couple of yoga classes, in lieu of going on an annual yoga retreat. We decided on a morning anusara class and an afternoon hot yoga class.
The morning anusara class was fantastic, great teacher, beautiful studio. (If you aren't familiar with anusara, it is all about expanding your heart and your mind, but I didn't notice it to be dramatically different than other kinds of yoga I practice.) The teacher was encouraging, gentle, honest, authentic, all the things I love about a good teacher. She talked about fall being this season of mulching, about surrounding yourself with support and stuff to mulch with. I looked up the definition of mulch, because I thought I knew what it meant, but wasn't entirely sure...mulch is "a protective cover placed over the soil to retain moisture, reduce erosion, provide nutrients, and suppress weed growth and seed germination". It's obvious isn't it, in these drier, colder months, we tend to go more inward, just like nature (leaves returning to the earth, apples falling from the trees, etc). And as we do this, it is important we surround ourselves with people who keep us warm emotionally, eat foods that nourish us - lots of soup, warm and wet, and create time or space in our lives to reflect and study ourselves, as a way to suppress weed growth (root causes of suffering) and to germinate seeds (all the goodness and grace, light we can create for ourselves).
It was a dark and wet day in Seattle and the yoga class felt right for the day. We had a yummy lunch at a Japanese noodle restaurant in U-Village, wandered around in and out of shops and it felt good to me to have the freedom of the day, to be away from my routine, to be in good company. We headed off to Bellevue in the rain, to find the hot yoga studio. They required newcomers to be 25 minutes early. We arrived early, on time, and filled out the proper paperwork. The proper paperwork entails agreeing to stay in the class even if you feel like running out, bring a towel and wipe up the pool of sweat you leave behind, sounds enticing, doesn't it? We still had 15 minutes or so to spare and sat in the lobby waiting to go in to the class.
I had never done hot yoga before, nor had I been to a hot yoga studio before. Sitting in the lobby, I felt much more like I was sitting in a gym or athletic club type lobby. It smelled a bit like a tanning salon and there were men in shorts with no shirts and women in sports bras, tube tops and shorty shorts. It was fascinating to watch. There was a teacher training in session and I could hear the instructor "yelling" at the students "I said breathe through your mouth." My friend and I giggled as we waited, wondering just what we were in for.
Eventually, it was time for class. I was blasted by heat when I walked in. The studio is 105 degrees, yes 105 degrees. I am still amazed that people don't fall over from heat stroke or faint on a regular basis. It is hot. The floor has radiant heat and there are heaters hanging from the ceiling, so you are getting it from both directions. No where to run to, baby, no where to hide. I was thankful my friend had suggested I bring short pants or my skimpiest yoga clothes for the class. I had thrown in an old pair of climbing shorts at the last minute and thank goodness, I might have fainted had I had any more clothes on. The instructor marches in when it is time for class to start. She begins ordering us into poses. The feel of this was like night and day from the morning class. The morning class was all about trying something different...like if you always really push yourself, see what it feels like to back off a little. The hot yoga was all about, don't give up, go deeper, push harder, sweat more. I was praying about 20 minutes into the class that this was a 65 minute class and not 75 minutes. It felt a bit like torture. Not only did my clothes feel like I had jumped in a swimming pool they were so wet, my head felt like it was going to explode every time I bent over. I do have to say that for the first 15 minutes or so, it felt good, and after that it was all down hill for me. I had a strange experience at some point, where I felt like a knife was being pierced through my scar from the strep infection I had over the summer. I'm not sure if it was scar tissue doing something, or if there was something left from the infection that decided to cut loose in my leg. It was fierce, whatever it was. It was more challenging mentally than physically. The instructor said at some point that our bodies are made to do this. I'm not so sure I believe that. Mine definitely is not. I think there is some detoxing that goes on when you sweat like that and that is good for you. It's good to rid the body of the junk we don't need. Unfortunately, my body gets really dehydrated in that environment, despite having tried to prepare for it. I felt like throwing up the whole way home and had a headache that I began to wonder if it was a migraine (I've never had one.)
I woke up today thankful to be home, thankful to not be feeling as disgusting as I felt when I went to bed, and pretty certain I will not try hot yoga again, ever!
Yesterday, my yogi friend and I travelled to Seattle for the day to do yoga. We went to take a couple of yoga classes, in lieu of going on an annual yoga retreat. We decided on a morning anusara class and an afternoon hot yoga class.
The morning anusara class was fantastic, great teacher, beautiful studio. (If you aren't familiar with anusara, it is all about expanding your heart and your mind, but I didn't notice it to be dramatically different than other kinds of yoga I practice.) The teacher was encouraging, gentle, honest, authentic, all the things I love about a good teacher. She talked about fall being this season of mulching, about surrounding yourself with support and stuff to mulch with. I looked up the definition of mulch, because I thought I knew what it meant, but wasn't entirely sure...mulch is "a protective cover placed over the soil to retain moisture, reduce erosion, provide nutrients, and suppress weed growth and seed germination". It's obvious isn't it, in these drier, colder months, we tend to go more inward, just like nature (leaves returning to the earth, apples falling from the trees, etc). And as we do this, it is important we surround ourselves with people who keep us warm emotionally, eat foods that nourish us - lots of soup, warm and wet, and create time or space in our lives to reflect and study ourselves, as a way to suppress weed growth (root causes of suffering) and to germinate seeds (all the goodness and grace, light we can create for ourselves).
It was a dark and wet day in Seattle and the yoga class felt right for the day. We had a yummy lunch at a Japanese noodle restaurant in U-Village, wandered around in and out of shops and it felt good to me to have the freedom of the day, to be away from my routine, to be in good company. We headed off to Bellevue in the rain, to find the hot yoga studio. They required newcomers to be 25 minutes early. We arrived early, on time, and filled out the proper paperwork. The proper paperwork entails agreeing to stay in the class even if you feel like running out, bring a towel and wipe up the pool of sweat you leave behind, sounds enticing, doesn't it? We still had 15 minutes or so to spare and sat in the lobby waiting to go in to the class.
I had never done hot yoga before, nor had I been to a hot yoga studio before. Sitting in the lobby, I felt much more like I was sitting in a gym or athletic club type lobby. It smelled a bit like a tanning salon and there were men in shorts with no shirts and women in sports bras, tube tops and shorty shorts. It was fascinating to watch. There was a teacher training in session and I could hear the instructor "yelling" at the students "I said breathe through your mouth." My friend and I giggled as we waited, wondering just what we were in for.
Eventually, it was time for class. I was blasted by heat when I walked in. The studio is 105 degrees, yes 105 degrees. I am still amazed that people don't fall over from heat stroke or faint on a regular basis. It is hot. The floor has radiant heat and there are heaters hanging from the ceiling, so you are getting it from both directions. No where to run to, baby, no where to hide. I was thankful my friend had suggested I bring short pants or my skimpiest yoga clothes for the class. I had thrown in an old pair of climbing shorts at the last minute and thank goodness, I might have fainted had I had any more clothes on. The instructor marches in when it is time for class to start. She begins ordering us into poses. The feel of this was like night and day from the morning class. The morning class was all about trying something different...like if you always really push yourself, see what it feels like to back off a little. The hot yoga was all about, don't give up, go deeper, push harder, sweat more. I was praying about 20 minutes into the class that this was a 65 minute class and not 75 minutes. It felt a bit like torture. Not only did my clothes feel like I had jumped in a swimming pool they were so wet, my head felt like it was going to explode every time I bent over. I do have to say that for the first 15 minutes or so, it felt good, and after that it was all down hill for me. I had a strange experience at some point, where I felt like a knife was being pierced through my scar from the strep infection I had over the summer. I'm not sure if it was scar tissue doing something, or if there was something left from the infection that decided to cut loose in my leg. It was fierce, whatever it was. It was more challenging mentally than physically. The instructor said at some point that our bodies are made to do this. I'm not so sure I believe that. Mine definitely is not. I think there is some detoxing that goes on when you sweat like that and that is good for you. It's good to rid the body of the junk we don't need. Unfortunately, my body gets really dehydrated in that environment, despite having tried to prepare for it. I felt like throwing up the whole way home and had a headache that I began to wonder if it was a migraine (I've never had one.)
I woke up today thankful to be home, thankful to not be feeling as disgusting as I felt when I went to bed, and pretty certain I will not try hot yoga again, ever!
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