We have officially made it through the first week of summer vacation. I know, I should be mourning it's passing, the summer always passes by too quickly. Ours is full of fun weekend adventures, a family wedding, a family vacation and time with friends. I'm only teaching 3 or 4 yoga classes a week, not doing my other contract work over the summer months, and truly I feel like I have more freedom than I've had in awhile. Well, sort of. My kids are "transitioning" into summer. I don't think they have quite figured out what this new normal looks like.
In some ways, they are there. Ruby has read 4 chapter books in as many days. She has been reading all school year, but something just clicked and she is devouring books like I devour chocolate. She can't get enough of them. We just got our VW van back in the driveway, it's been parked at a friends for almost 2 years, I think. Over the last couple of days, Ruby has spent hours in the back of the van curled up with a book. It's great, I love that she is so into reading. I love to read. But, she is staying up way past bedtime with her night light on, reading long after I think she's asleep. Once again tonight, she tiptoed upstairs and scared me half to death when she said my name and was standing about 6 ft away. She might have a future as a spy, she's stealth. Willis is sleeping in every morning, I think he has figured out that part of summer break, you don't have to get up so early. They are loving being outside, we are taking evening family bike rides, playing together as a family and all that stuff is good.
The not so good is....the togetherness of being with one another all day every day. Elsie has had enough of the mayhem by about 10 a.m. and wants to be in her crib by herself, without anyone touching her or talking to her and then takes a nap (partly because I sort of forget about her for awhile and then go check on her and she's laying in her crib surrounded by books snuggled up, asleep with her blankie). She has been more needy for my attention, wants to be held more, "picks on" her siblings more (this entails hitting one of them, usually with a book or the remote control, or pulling hair or biting, lovely, no?) Ruby and Willis have had about 10 or 12 fights/arguments/debates by lunchtime. I'm trying really hard to not play referee this summer and make the two of them work it out or take a time out. 99% of the time they choose to work it out, but they are still telling on each other, often.
Who knows how long the transition will last. I'm sure once we find our groove, we'll go on vacation, or something will shift and we'll have to find a new one anyways. Life is really a series of transitions, some bigger, some smaller. Some time ago I learned that the word balance comes from the root word balare (which is Latin, I think) and that it means to dance. It's so true. Finding balance is a continual dance and when our pendulum swings too far one way, it sometimes has to go the other to find the happy place in between.
So, I'm dancing in the mean time....might as well get your groove on if you're not yet in the groove, right?
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Happy Campers
I'm a writing machine these days, no? I am truly a creature of habit. I looked back and last year I had 12 posts in June. I'm telling you, there is something to the seasons and their effect on me.
I have just been filling out paperwork for my oldest to go to a mini-camp this summer. Mini-camp does not mean day camp, it means overnight camp. I find it hard to believe and I keep crying as I am muddling my way through the many forms we are required to fill out. I don't question whether or not Ruby is ready for the experience. She asked me several weeks ago if she could go to camp this summer. I am guessing she would eagerly go to camp for a whole week if we let her, although she might get homesick after the novelty wore off. She is an independent child, self confident, social, happy go lucky, easy to get along with. She enters new situations without fear, eager to see what they might bring. She is all things good and I want to give her every experience in life that I can. Reading through the packet it talks about preparing them in the weeks before camp, so they know what to expect, don't feel stressed out about the unknown, etc. I think my Ruby, unlike me, welcomes change and what is new and different. She doesn't shy away from new experience, she jumps at the chance more often than not. I think I am probably the one who needs preparing, not her.
I am going to have to wrap my head around her being away, on her own (not really, but it feels that way a little) before I start talking to her about what it will be like. I certainly don't want to break down crying as I describe camp life to her. She is going with one of her friends and there are several other kids that will be there that she knows. It just feels like a big developmental step! I'm not a worrier, I don't think I hold on too tight with my kids, but this one feels hard and particularly emotional for whatever reason.
I still remember going to camp as a kid. I remember the excitement when you got mail, I remember throwing up on my camp counselor's bunk (she was below me) after eating something that did not agree with me, I remember my sister coming in to comfort me. I remember my parents picking me up, I remember doing the arts and crafts. I am excited for her and I can't wait to hear Ruby's stories, to listen to her excitement when she shares her experiences and all she did at mini-camp.
I have just been filling out paperwork for my oldest to go to a mini-camp this summer. Mini-camp does not mean day camp, it means overnight camp. I find it hard to believe and I keep crying as I am muddling my way through the many forms we are required to fill out. I don't question whether or not Ruby is ready for the experience. She asked me several weeks ago if she could go to camp this summer. I am guessing she would eagerly go to camp for a whole week if we let her, although she might get homesick after the novelty wore off. She is an independent child, self confident, social, happy go lucky, easy to get along with. She enters new situations without fear, eager to see what they might bring. She is all things good and I want to give her every experience in life that I can. Reading through the packet it talks about preparing them in the weeks before camp, so they know what to expect, don't feel stressed out about the unknown, etc. I think my Ruby, unlike me, welcomes change and what is new and different. She doesn't shy away from new experience, she jumps at the chance more often than not. I think I am probably the one who needs preparing, not her.
I am going to have to wrap my head around her being away, on her own (not really, but it feels that way a little) before I start talking to her about what it will be like. I certainly don't want to break down crying as I describe camp life to her. She is going with one of her friends and there are several other kids that will be there that she knows. It just feels like a big developmental step! I'm not a worrier, I don't think I hold on too tight with my kids, but this one feels hard and particularly emotional for whatever reason.
I still remember going to camp as a kid. I remember the excitement when you got mail, I remember throwing up on my camp counselor's bunk (she was below me) after eating something that did not agree with me, I remember my sister coming in to comfort me. I remember my parents picking me up, I remember doing the arts and crafts. I am excited for her and I can't wait to hear Ruby's stories, to listen to her excitement when she shares her experiences and all she did at mini-camp.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Paying Attention
One might ask the question...why do I always start blogging 15 minutes before I need to wake up my napping cherubs (they are the sweetest when they are sleeping, aren't they?) to dash out to pick up Ruby from school. Maybe that is the only way I ever get a blog entry done, to have a deadline. 14 minutes and counting.
I read this quote yesterday in my yoga class, "What you pay attention to becomes your experience." I am not sure who wrote it or where the quote came from, but it struck a mighty chord with me. I have been trapped a bit in a negative pattern of speaking without intention. Many moons ago, I read a book on Toltec Wisdom, you've probably heard of it, The Four Agreements. They are simple truths about how to live your life. I can usually only ever pull out 3 of the 4 at any given time and we'll see what I can come out with today... Always do your best. Never make assumptions. Be impeccable with your words....Looks like today I can only pull out 3. Sorry folks. Anyways, the one about being impeccable with your words has always stuck with me. It made me pause and think about what we put out into the world with our words. Somewhere, this was described about using words as a force for light and healing in the world, or like a poison, fueling darkness. I would like, of course, to be the force for light and healing in the world, not some poison spewer. But, I am human, no? I find myself at times making assumptions about what motivates another person's actions, taking it personally, at times, when in actuality it may have nothing to do with me and may have everything to do with their own "stuff" (that is the 4th one, Don't take things personally.)
So, back to paying attention...my husband and I had a conversation about this particular idea this morning. He came to my yoga class yesterday, and perhaps that planted the seed when I read the quote. I'm not sure, but he brought up an interaction he had, that made him notice another's focus on what isn't positive and good, how the person seemed to pay attention to what was negative or wrong in a situation as opposed to what was good. It made me pause. I've been thinking about this about myself. How when you hear a story about someone that is juicy, let's say, or have an experience of someone that is not favorable, instead of choosing to let that story stop at you and quit feeding the rumor mill, or poison in the world of words, I often retell it. Not in a way that intends to make trouble, or stir up drama, I'm actually not sure why I retell it. My husband and I talked about how much better you feel about yourself when you steer clear of those conversations, when you hold back remarks that are less than life giving. I sometimes feel like I need a reminder, to walk around with a mirror so I can see just what it is that I am reflecting in the world.
So, I am making a commitment today to pay attention to the good stuff, the stuff that brings out the best in people, the stuff that makes people feel happy, loved and good inside. I am making a commitment to use my words more impeccably and I have a feeling that my experience will begin to reflect something lighter (not that it was dark to start out with, but I am guessing you know what I mean.)
And.... my time is up. Off to practice my new commitments!
I read this quote yesterday in my yoga class, "What you pay attention to becomes your experience." I am not sure who wrote it or where the quote came from, but it struck a mighty chord with me. I have been trapped a bit in a negative pattern of speaking without intention. Many moons ago, I read a book on Toltec Wisdom, you've probably heard of it, The Four Agreements. They are simple truths about how to live your life. I can usually only ever pull out 3 of the 4 at any given time and we'll see what I can come out with today... Always do your best. Never make assumptions. Be impeccable with your words....Looks like today I can only pull out 3. Sorry folks. Anyways, the one about being impeccable with your words has always stuck with me. It made me pause and think about what we put out into the world with our words. Somewhere, this was described about using words as a force for light and healing in the world, or like a poison, fueling darkness. I would like, of course, to be the force for light and healing in the world, not some poison spewer. But, I am human, no? I find myself at times making assumptions about what motivates another person's actions, taking it personally, at times, when in actuality it may have nothing to do with me and may have everything to do with their own "stuff" (that is the 4th one, Don't take things personally.)
So, back to paying attention...my husband and I had a conversation about this particular idea this morning. He came to my yoga class yesterday, and perhaps that planted the seed when I read the quote. I'm not sure, but he brought up an interaction he had, that made him notice another's focus on what isn't positive and good, how the person seemed to pay attention to what was negative or wrong in a situation as opposed to what was good. It made me pause. I've been thinking about this about myself. How when you hear a story about someone that is juicy, let's say, or have an experience of someone that is not favorable, instead of choosing to let that story stop at you and quit feeding the rumor mill, or poison in the world of words, I often retell it. Not in a way that intends to make trouble, or stir up drama, I'm actually not sure why I retell it. My husband and I talked about how much better you feel about yourself when you steer clear of those conversations, when you hold back remarks that are less than life giving. I sometimes feel like I need a reminder, to walk around with a mirror so I can see just what it is that I am reflecting in the world.
So, I am making a commitment today to pay attention to the good stuff, the stuff that brings out the best in people, the stuff that makes people feel happy, loved and good inside. I am making a commitment to use my words more impeccably and I have a feeling that my experience will begin to reflect something lighter (not that it was dark to start out with, but I am guessing you know what I mean.)
And.... my time is up. Off to practice my new commitments!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Sprung in Spring
I am always seeking to better know myself, to understand what motivates me, what triggers old unproductive thought patters, what moves me, etc. I found myself journaling the other day under the heading (one I wrote) "What I know about myself". I started laughing part ways through as I reflected upon what I was doing and seeing half way down my list "I know I wonder what people who really know me think of me." I have spent many an hour pouring over my own writings, intensely reading old journals, wondering who is this person I am reading about. I do think I know myself pretty well, I'm pretty rooted in who I am. I don't always like what comes out of my mouth, but I am self aware and typically know exactly what is going on with me when I say things I wish I would say differently. By and large, my actions are an accurate reflection of me, I hold fast to some basic truths about how we should interact with others, how we should be in the world, and granted sometimes I get carried away, but mostly I operate from a place of goodness and light, and I'd like to think that what I say and do reflects that.
For some reason in the Spring, at least for the last 3 years (which is as far back as I can remember what spring felt like) I get restless, almost agitated, but not quite. I get this itchy feeling in my soul, like I want to take a spiritual road trip. I'm not sure what it is about the spring that does it. I tend to seek more, want to feel connected more. I find myself making more phone calls to friends, sending more emails, on facebook more, etc. I am trying to understand where this comes from and got curious about Ayurveda doshas and how that might come into play. (For those who are not familiar with Ayurveda and doshas...Ayurveda is a system of traditional medicine or healing from India, one that is seen in the west as a bit alternative. There are 3 dominant doshas, which are described as "life energies behind our bodily functions." For example, do you have high, moderate or low activity level. Do you tend to be overweight, underweight, or moderate? You get the picture.) The 3 doshas are each made up of 2 of the 5 element: air, fire, water, space, earth. The 3 doshas are vata (air and space), pitta (fire and air), and kapha (earth and water). I didn't know what my dosha was and so I took a few tests to determine my dosha. I always assumed that I was vata, I'm not sure why, I guess due to a lack of knowledge about the whole thing. When you know your dosha, you can better understand what some of your tendencies might be and hopefully have an easier time keeping yourself in balance. For example, if you are vata, you might be like the wind...unpredictable, cool, quick to change and to balance that out, you might need more structure, stability in your life, more grounding. Now, let me say, I am no expert on this, and there is a whole lot of information about this, if you want it. I'm just trying to give a framework for where I am going which I've kind of forgotten.
Oh yes, so I am kapha, earth and water. Not what I suspected, but after reading about the qualities inherent to this dosha, they fit...stable, loyal, dependable, to name a few. I was actually calling myself (to myself) Debbie Dependable the other day. So, what is my point? Spring is certainly a season that is characterized by more movement of the air, everything lightens up in the world. Nature re-emerges in all its glory, it's lighter outside, days are longer, it's warmer. I think my earthy nature feels out of sorts, ungrounded in this season. It makes me a little nervous and I'd like to be able to instead see it as an opportunity for growth, an opportunity to match my nature with nature, to re-emerge a little, to find a new beginning in some way shape or form. I am hoping that now I know, I can move through this season with a little bit more awareness and just maybe, I will find myself in a more balanced, less restless place. Happy Spring!
P.S. If you want to discover your dosha, click on this link. This is just one test to take, there are many out there. At the bottom of the test there are articles about Ayurveda and doshas if you want to learn more.
http://www.yogajournal.com/health/498
For some reason in the Spring, at least for the last 3 years (which is as far back as I can remember what spring felt like) I get restless, almost agitated, but not quite. I get this itchy feeling in my soul, like I want to take a spiritual road trip. I'm not sure what it is about the spring that does it. I tend to seek more, want to feel connected more. I find myself making more phone calls to friends, sending more emails, on facebook more, etc. I am trying to understand where this comes from and got curious about Ayurveda doshas and how that might come into play. (For those who are not familiar with Ayurveda and doshas...Ayurveda is a system of traditional medicine or healing from India, one that is seen in the west as a bit alternative. There are 3 dominant doshas, which are described as "life energies behind our bodily functions." For example, do you have high, moderate or low activity level. Do you tend to be overweight, underweight, or moderate? You get the picture.) The 3 doshas are each made up of 2 of the 5 element: air, fire, water, space, earth. The 3 doshas are vata (air and space), pitta (fire and air), and kapha (earth and water). I didn't know what my dosha was and so I took a few tests to determine my dosha. I always assumed that I was vata, I'm not sure why, I guess due to a lack of knowledge about the whole thing. When you know your dosha, you can better understand what some of your tendencies might be and hopefully have an easier time keeping yourself in balance. For example, if you are vata, you might be like the wind...unpredictable, cool, quick to change and to balance that out, you might need more structure, stability in your life, more grounding. Now, let me say, I am no expert on this, and there is a whole lot of information about this, if you want it. I'm just trying to give a framework for where I am going which I've kind of forgotten.
Oh yes, so I am kapha, earth and water. Not what I suspected, but after reading about the qualities inherent to this dosha, they fit...stable, loyal, dependable, to name a few. I was actually calling myself (to myself) Debbie Dependable the other day. So, what is my point? Spring is certainly a season that is characterized by more movement of the air, everything lightens up in the world. Nature re-emerges in all its glory, it's lighter outside, days are longer, it's warmer. I think my earthy nature feels out of sorts, ungrounded in this season. It makes me a little nervous and I'd like to be able to instead see it as an opportunity for growth, an opportunity to match my nature with nature, to re-emerge a little, to find a new beginning in some way shape or form. I am hoping that now I know, I can move through this season with a little bit more awareness and just maybe, I will find myself in a more balanced, less restless place. Happy Spring!
P.S. If you want to discover your dosha, click on this link. This is just one test to take, there are many out there. At the bottom of the test there are articles about Ayurveda and doshas if you want to learn more.
http://www.yogajournal.com/health/498
Thursday, June 2, 2011
My Little Man
My sweet little boy turns 4 in a couple of days. I feel like time continues to pass quickly, the weeks fly by, the days are short, the hour between 4 p.m. and bedtime is long...just joking, sort of. I remember the surprise when he was born, I expected another girl. What would I do with a little boy? Having 3 nieces and a daughter, I wasn't sure I would know. Fast forward to today and I can't imagine life without WB. He is such a source of laughter and joy in our home, he balances us out in some way. I think I relate to him in more ways than I would of expected, he is the middle child, smack dab between his two sisters. He is playful, silly, serious, feisty, soft, hilarious, tough, sensitive, emotional, moody, smart, sneaky, athletic, sweet and spicy. I feel like he is a mixture of so many opposites. He is a Gemini and not that I hold a lot of stock in horoscopes, but he definitely seems to embody the spirit of twins, the two sided coin, wrapped in one brilliant and amazing little package.
He has been more needy for me in the last several weeks, for lack of a better way to put it. He talks of wanting to marry me, which his older sister always informs him will never happen since I am married to Daddy. He wants more kisses. He says I love you first when I put him to bed. He wants me to hold him and snuggle him tight, hold his hand. I don't know if he senses, as I do, that he is growing up. I know, he's only 4, he's not even off to kindergarten next year or anything, but I can see him maturing, changing, becoming more independent. He's finding ways to control his emotional outbursts, restrain himself when that fiery temper of his flares up. He recognizes his role as a big brother to little E and takes it on with gusto.
I sometimes wish there was a pause button on the remote control of life and I could just freeze him right where he is for a little while. I know I can't, so I am doing my best to soak every little bit of him in...to give in to the pleas for more snuggles, for dragging out bedtime with one more story, this time is precious. We blink and our children are school age and then I imagine we blink again and they are headed off to high school and beyond.
Last night, after I snuggled WB and his daddy laid down next to him, he said, "Dad, did you notice how much Mom loves me?" My heart melted. If I give him nothing else of mine, I've given him what is most important. Happy Birthday, my little man.
He has been more needy for me in the last several weeks, for lack of a better way to put it. He talks of wanting to marry me, which his older sister always informs him will never happen since I am married to Daddy. He wants more kisses. He says I love you first when I put him to bed. He wants me to hold him and snuggle him tight, hold his hand. I don't know if he senses, as I do, that he is growing up. I know, he's only 4, he's not even off to kindergarten next year or anything, but I can see him maturing, changing, becoming more independent. He's finding ways to control his emotional outbursts, restrain himself when that fiery temper of his flares up. He recognizes his role as a big brother to little E and takes it on with gusto.
I sometimes wish there was a pause button on the remote control of life and I could just freeze him right where he is for a little while. I know I can't, so I am doing my best to soak every little bit of him in...to give in to the pleas for more snuggles, for dragging out bedtime with one more story, this time is precious. We blink and our children are school age and then I imagine we blink again and they are headed off to high school and beyond.
Last night, after I snuggled WB and his daddy laid down next to him, he said, "Dad, did you notice how much Mom loves me?" My heart melted. If I give him nothing else of mine, I've given him what is most important. Happy Birthday, my little man.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Short and Sweet
I just spent less than 24 hours in Seattle. Sometimes that is all that is required to shift your focus a little. I keep wishing that as humans we had a reset button, a way to reprogram the mind so to speak, when we get into unproductive ruts of thoughts. No magic button to push unfortunately. Fortunately, sometimes when things get a little off kilter, they manage to reset themselves, kind of like magic, but not quite.
I didn't leave home feeling particularly off or out of sorts yesterday, at least nothing I noticed. What I did notice today, as I headed back home, is that I felt fresh, renewed, ready to greet whatever awaited me. It wasn't that anything extraordinary happened, I just had a little time to myself...the quiet in the car with no one demanding anything of me, an evening at a fundraiser talking with an old co-worker and his partner, interesting, passionate people, and feeling transported 180 degrees away from my normal days, late night ice cream and easy conversation about life with a dear friend...it really doesn't take much.
I had intended to go shopping while in Seattle, buy a dress for my sister in law's wedding, take in a yoga class. When I woke up this morning, none of that seemed all that interesting at the moment. Instead, I wandered up to a neighborhood coffee shop, got a really good mocha (why do they always taste so much better from Seattle coffee houses?), the sun was shining, blue sky overhead and the day felt glorious. I got in my car and headed toward the freeway. I felt full. I watched a mother deliver her preschooler to school and felt my eyes brimming with tears. It wasn't so much that I felt longing for my kids, I just felt connected to the universe, could see myself in her. Heading over the pass, I saw a deer trying to run across the highway. Oncoming traffic slowed, a trucker honked and the deer ran back to safety...again tears, grateful for when they world spares life, when we conspire together to keep someone or something in danger safe. (Sounds like I've been crying a lot with these last two posts, doesn't it?) I sang my little heart out as I drove home, listened to music that lifts me up, speaks to my soul and simply felt grateful for the ability to get away, even for a short and sweet adventure on my own. Feels good to be alive.
I didn't leave home feeling particularly off or out of sorts yesterday, at least nothing I noticed. What I did notice today, as I headed back home, is that I felt fresh, renewed, ready to greet whatever awaited me. It wasn't that anything extraordinary happened, I just had a little time to myself...the quiet in the car with no one demanding anything of me, an evening at a fundraiser talking with an old co-worker and his partner, interesting, passionate people, and feeling transported 180 degrees away from my normal days, late night ice cream and easy conversation about life with a dear friend...it really doesn't take much.
I had intended to go shopping while in Seattle, buy a dress for my sister in law's wedding, take in a yoga class. When I woke up this morning, none of that seemed all that interesting at the moment. Instead, I wandered up to a neighborhood coffee shop, got a really good mocha (why do they always taste so much better from Seattle coffee houses?), the sun was shining, blue sky overhead and the day felt glorious. I got in my car and headed toward the freeway. I felt full. I watched a mother deliver her preschooler to school and felt my eyes brimming with tears. It wasn't so much that I felt longing for my kids, I just felt connected to the universe, could see myself in her. Heading over the pass, I saw a deer trying to run across the highway. Oncoming traffic slowed, a trucker honked and the deer ran back to safety...again tears, grateful for when they world spares life, when we conspire together to keep someone or something in danger safe. (Sounds like I've been crying a lot with these last two posts, doesn't it?) I sang my little heart out as I drove home, listened to music that lifts me up, speaks to my soul and simply felt grateful for the ability to get away, even for a short and sweet adventure on my own. Feels good to be alive.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Tiny miracles
It's been awhile. I have just been in and out of one of those phases where I feel like I have nothing worth sharing. Inner battles, struggles, not being the best version of myself very often...thank goodness for the impermanence of it all, that we pass through those phases, sometimes quicker than others, but things always, always change, and life has a way of bringing us what we need so that we can find our self again.
In the last 24 hours, I have been moved by the incredible capacity we have for love as parents. Our children are the deepest source of joy and happiness and also of pain. Because we love so deeply, when our kids suffer, we suffer, we feel their pain, we grieve for their losses. It's an amazing part of being a parent that no one really prepares you for, nor could they. It's a love so rich, I don't have words to adequately describe it.
Yesterday afternoon, I listened to a couple share the story of their 21 year old son's suicide. Raw, painful truth about human nature, about a young man in a deep, dark, depression. They spoke about the importance of paying attention, noticing when things aren't right and doing something about it. As I listened to them speak, I couldn't help but cry. I was so moved by their courage to share their story, obviously in hopes that they are honoring the life their son had, and preventing such a tragedy from happening to someone else. Their pain is visible. The wounds, 5 years later, far from scabbed over. I don't imagine that losing a child is a pain you ever "get over". I imagine it to be one that rests in your spirit for a lifetime. And yet, despite their pain, their heartache, they carry on. They continue moving forward, trying to make something from a deep hole in their hearts that may never heal.
This morning, I witnessed the other side of this coin - a new mother and her week old son. This tiny little being, almost 3 1/2 lbs, full of promise and hope for the future. I found myself in tears, again, watching the look on my friend's face as she watched him, lying in the incubator, breathing with the help of a machine. I felt like I could almost see the love spilling out of her heart on to him, could feel the heartache of her not being able to hold him. I could only think about how heart wrenching it would be to leave the hospital without your new baby, how long those weeks must be while she waits for him to be strong enough to go home. I don't know what I expected when I went to the hospital, but I was undeniably moved by this tiny little miracle, a precious life being held in the hearts of many as he finds his way into this world.
There is so much in each day we take for granted. We sometimes need those tearful reminders to slow down, take life in to the fullest, to really look at those we love, appreciate our health, to reach out in places where we can be of service, and to lift up another when the load feels too heavy.
In the last 24 hours, I have been moved by the incredible capacity we have for love as parents. Our children are the deepest source of joy and happiness and also of pain. Because we love so deeply, when our kids suffer, we suffer, we feel their pain, we grieve for their losses. It's an amazing part of being a parent that no one really prepares you for, nor could they. It's a love so rich, I don't have words to adequately describe it.
Yesterday afternoon, I listened to a couple share the story of their 21 year old son's suicide. Raw, painful truth about human nature, about a young man in a deep, dark, depression. They spoke about the importance of paying attention, noticing when things aren't right and doing something about it. As I listened to them speak, I couldn't help but cry. I was so moved by their courage to share their story, obviously in hopes that they are honoring the life their son had, and preventing such a tragedy from happening to someone else. Their pain is visible. The wounds, 5 years later, far from scabbed over. I don't imagine that losing a child is a pain you ever "get over". I imagine it to be one that rests in your spirit for a lifetime. And yet, despite their pain, their heartache, they carry on. They continue moving forward, trying to make something from a deep hole in their hearts that may never heal.
This morning, I witnessed the other side of this coin - a new mother and her week old son. This tiny little being, almost 3 1/2 lbs, full of promise and hope for the future. I found myself in tears, again, watching the look on my friend's face as she watched him, lying in the incubator, breathing with the help of a machine. I felt like I could almost see the love spilling out of her heart on to him, could feel the heartache of her not being able to hold him. I could only think about how heart wrenching it would be to leave the hospital without your new baby, how long those weeks must be while she waits for him to be strong enough to go home. I don't know what I expected when I went to the hospital, but I was undeniably moved by this tiny little miracle, a precious life being held in the hearts of many as he finds his way into this world.
There is so much in each day we take for granted. We sometimes need those tearful reminders to slow down, take life in to the fullest, to really look at those we love, appreciate our health, to reach out in places where we can be of service, and to lift up another when the load feels too heavy.
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