Sometimes life holds up a full length mirror and I find myself staring into my own eyes asking, "Am I really like that?" I am all for introspection. I try hard to look inward, to really see myself, to recognize when I act out of fear, when I misrepresent the truth, when I am not gracious and a million other things I can't begin to list. I try to understand the root of those behaviors, what's behind the impatience or the stress, those things are typically symptoms, right? And not the root cause. For instance, my resentment towards my husband last week really wasn't about what he was or wasn't doing, it was about my own needs not being met and my inability to ask for what it is I need. It's a vicious cycle sometimes, but when we can find the seed, so to speak, we can typically eradicate the problem.
About six weeks ago, I told my husband I felt like I was drowning in housework. I feel like with all of us home this summer, I can't begin to keep on top it. I can do the surface stuff, the laundry, straightening up, dishes, etc. It's the deeper cleaning that I can never seem to find (or make) the time for. I could feel it wearing on me. I was having a hard time relaxing at home, knowing the floors needed mopping, bathroom disinfected. It's the last thing I want to do after the kids are in bed at night, a girl needs some down time. Enough of my justifying here, my husband being the man he is, wanted to fix it. That is what men do, bless their hearts, solve problems. He called a couple of cleaning services, scheduled appointments for them to come and give us a bid and we picked one. They cleaned our house that week and have come back every other week to do the same. Having a cleaner house has been great. What hasn't been great is my interaction with the company... an incorrect bill, the cleaners showing up unexpected, showing up 2 hours late. With 3 kids at home, it's definitely easiest on all of us, if we can leave the house when they arrive and be gone for the duration. I have rearranged my schedule to make that happen and then they don't come when they say they will. It happened again today and I was really frustrated. I called the office and as I talked with the office person, I could tell she thought I was nuts. It struck me as to how inflexible I must appear to her. After I told her this was not going to work for me, that I was frustrated with the communication, or lack there of, she said, "I'm sorry, but I can't have them there at an exact time. It's 2 minutes past 11:30 . I know they were planning to be there around 11:30 and you can either leave the door unlocked or wait if you want them to come. " I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was over it, me, too. We got disconnected, the joys of cell phones and I dropped my kids off and headed to yoga. She called back in the mean time, I didn't answer and made myself spend a few minutes just breathing and letting go of the irritation I felt. I called her back, we had a much more pleasant conversation and it all worked out, today.
I'd like to think I am flexible, that I am able to let things go and am not rigid about how life has to happen. I've witnessed this quality in others and it isn't one of my favorites. I'm not sure if it fear of unknown, I think it is more about feeling out of control. I don't have any answers, I think this is one I need to sit on. It probably sounds like I am making a bigger deal out of this than need be. I'm not. I just got myself all worked up today and wasn't able to clearly articulate my needs, again, and that made me feel stressed out and on edge. I'm not usually like that, am I? Just kidding.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Come Together
This morning I went to yoga class, the first one I have been to where I wasn't teaching in many weeks. I was giddy dropping my children off, knowing I would get a few hours to myself. I have loved summer and the freedom I have being home with 3 kids, the time we have to play, the togetherness. It has also had its challenges - all that togetherness, it seems to lead to bickering, me refereeing and that sometimes exhausts me.
I settled onto my mat to prepare for meditation and my yoga teacher shared a mantra for our practice. "We are connected to the energy of all things." I could feel myself softening into my seat, clearing out some space in my mind as I followed my breath in and out, in and out, and recited this seemingly simple mantra to myself. My teacher spoke of how all of yoga is really about connectedness, the word yoga meaning essentially union, gratitude, awareness of our dependence on others. It resonated with me and felt easy to let it wash over me, clearing out whatever junk I came in with and creating some space for something easier, a little more free. There is such freedom in letting go, of relinquishing the idea that I need to do it all. Realizing that it is not just okay, but it is better when I take time for myself, allow my needs to be met first, and then tend to the other needs in my world.
I left yoga feeling grateful, whole, and most definitely connected. I saw a dear student and friend in the parking lot as I walked to the car. We exchanged hugs and smiles and she headed into the studio as I got into my car. I could feel myself brimming with joy. Was it the yoga or the act of doing something for myself? Probably both, didn't matter. My in-laws graciously took my children for the morning and I had at least an hour before I needed to get back to pick them up. I had several errands to run, which are amazingly fast when there aren't 3 little people getting in and out of the car, too. I pulled up in the parking lot of my son's preschool to deliver his tuition and paperwork and a song on the radio caught my attention. I turned off the engine and listened to the lyrics:
"I got a strong back, steel toes, I'm handy with a wrench. There is nothing I can't drive, nothing I can't fix. I work sun-up to sun-down. Give you 40 and then some. Three dollars and change at the pump. Cost of livin's high and goin' up."
It's a song about a family man trying to find a job, selling himself to a potential employer. My tears were flowing and turned into sobs. Took 2 tissues to wipe away the tears and pull myself together once the song was over. Why am I so emotional? I ask myself. Am I? Maybe it's just that I can feel the truth in that story, there are many souls out there looking for work, trying to make a living, trying to feed their families. Times aren't easy for everyone. I have much to be grateful for, every gosh darn day. Sometimes I get caught up in my own world and stop seeing what is around me, stop feeling gracious and giving. I have to remember to take time for myself, to slow down and reconnect with myself, with that sense of being a small part of something much greater.
I headed off to the grocery store, changed the radio station to Top 40, could feel myself lightening up and by the time I got to Fred Meyer I was grooving to a new beat, dancing my way down the street (in my car, of course). "Evacuate the dance floor, I'm infected by the sound...." Felt like I went from one extreme to the other, not really though. They are just two sides of the same coin. Come together...right now...over me
I settled onto my mat to prepare for meditation and my yoga teacher shared a mantra for our practice. "We are connected to the energy of all things." I could feel myself softening into my seat, clearing out some space in my mind as I followed my breath in and out, in and out, and recited this seemingly simple mantra to myself. My teacher spoke of how all of yoga is really about connectedness, the word yoga meaning essentially union, gratitude, awareness of our dependence on others. It resonated with me and felt easy to let it wash over me, clearing out whatever junk I came in with and creating some space for something easier, a little more free. There is such freedom in letting go, of relinquishing the idea that I need to do it all. Realizing that it is not just okay, but it is better when I take time for myself, allow my needs to be met first, and then tend to the other needs in my world.
I left yoga feeling grateful, whole, and most definitely connected. I saw a dear student and friend in the parking lot as I walked to the car. We exchanged hugs and smiles and she headed into the studio as I got into my car. I could feel myself brimming with joy. Was it the yoga or the act of doing something for myself? Probably both, didn't matter. My in-laws graciously took my children for the morning and I had at least an hour before I needed to get back to pick them up. I had several errands to run, which are amazingly fast when there aren't 3 little people getting in and out of the car, too. I pulled up in the parking lot of my son's preschool to deliver his tuition and paperwork and a song on the radio caught my attention. I turned off the engine and listened to the lyrics:
"I got a strong back, steel toes, I'm handy with a wrench. There is nothing I can't drive, nothing I can't fix. I work sun-up to sun-down. Give you 40 and then some. Three dollars and change at the pump. Cost of livin's high and goin' up."
It's a song about a family man trying to find a job, selling himself to a potential employer. My tears were flowing and turned into sobs. Took 2 tissues to wipe away the tears and pull myself together once the song was over. Why am I so emotional? I ask myself. Am I? Maybe it's just that I can feel the truth in that story, there are many souls out there looking for work, trying to make a living, trying to feed their families. Times aren't easy for everyone. I have much to be grateful for, every gosh darn day. Sometimes I get caught up in my own world and stop seeing what is around me, stop feeling gracious and giving. I have to remember to take time for myself, to slow down and reconnect with myself, with that sense of being a small part of something much greater.
I headed off to the grocery store, changed the radio station to Top 40, could feel myself lightening up and by the time I got to Fred Meyer I was grooving to a new beat, dancing my way down the street (in my car, of course). "Evacuate the dance floor, I'm infected by the sound...." Felt like I went from one extreme to the other, not really though. They are just two sides of the same coin. Come together...right now...over me
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Summer, Summer, Summer
I think we have officially made the transition to summer. Weather is hot, kids are sleeping in, our social calendar has been busy and our house is a mess. I'm much more inclined to spend the afternoon poolside than to stay here and clean up. Dinner is often something on the BBQ and I feel a freedom I haven't felt in a long while. We spent last weekend on Whidbey Island, and as I sat on the beach, looking out at the amazing view, taking in the sea air, feeling sunshine on my skin, I felt truly relaxed. The kids were playing, scattered on the beach. I felt content, happy to feel like I could just be and didn't need to DO anything. Sometimes that is hard for me, I feel like there is so much effort in to getting places with our 3 munchkins, that once we get there, it's hard for me to enjoy the journey of being there and not focus on the next destination, so to speak.
Yesterday, I dropped my oldest off at mini-camp. She was smiling, excited, happy when I left. I could see the mix of emotion in many of the kids faces. Excitement coupled with a bit of concern...our my parents really leaving me here? I felt proud of Ruby and how brave she is to go off to camp for 2 nights. We had many conversations prior to that day about what camp might be like and she was truly just excited and open to the adventure of it. As we pulled in to the parking lot, I could feel that heaviness in my gut, tears welling up in my eyes. I looked at her and told her I was going to try really hard not to cry when I left here. She wrapped her arms around my leg and said "Oh Mom." Not in an annoyed sort of way, rather in a tender, I love you, I'll be fine sort of way. It feels like such a milestone and in the mean time the other two are changing right before my very eyes. Willis' little body is changing, he's getting taller, slimmer. His face is losing baby fat, I assume, as it looks different, older. Elsie is stringing words together, understanding things I don't expect her to. I wonder when did all this take place? I've been watching, am I just now noticing or did it happen overnight? My heart is full and aches all at the same time. I know there is no use in holding on, everything changes. Kids grow up, relationships change, I change. Even knowing that, there is a bittersweet longing to soak up what is before it's gone and has turned into something else, not better or worse, just different. I'm grateful for these long summer days, time to play, to be, to give myself permission to not work so hard and to enjoy the simple moments that pass us by when we aren't watching.
Yesterday, I dropped my oldest off at mini-camp. She was smiling, excited, happy when I left. I could see the mix of emotion in many of the kids faces. Excitement coupled with a bit of concern...our my parents really leaving me here? I felt proud of Ruby and how brave she is to go off to camp for 2 nights. We had many conversations prior to that day about what camp might be like and she was truly just excited and open to the adventure of it. As we pulled in to the parking lot, I could feel that heaviness in my gut, tears welling up in my eyes. I looked at her and told her I was going to try really hard not to cry when I left here. She wrapped her arms around my leg and said "Oh Mom." Not in an annoyed sort of way, rather in a tender, I love you, I'll be fine sort of way. It feels like such a milestone and in the mean time the other two are changing right before my very eyes. Willis' little body is changing, he's getting taller, slimmer. His face is losing baby fat, I assume, as it looks different, older. Elsie is stringing words together, understanding things I don't expect her to. I wonder when did all this take place? I've been watching, am I just now noticing or did it happen overnight? My heart is full and aches all at the same time. I know there is no use in holding on, everything changes. Kids grow up, relationships change, I change. Even knowing that, there is a bittersweet longing to soak up what is before it's gone and has turned into something else, not better or worse, just different. I'm grateful for these long summer days, time to play, to be, to give myself permission to not work so hard and to enjoy the simple moments that pass us by when we aren't watching.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Wedding Bells
Last weekend, my sister-in-law got married. She had asked my husband (her brother) and I to do the homily. We were both a little overwhelmed by the prospect of it, neither of us ever having given a homily. As we delved into it, I think we both found inspiration. The homily, for those of you unfamiliar with Catholic weddings, is "the talk" that usually the priest gives after the Bible readings. It's typically a reflection of the Gospel reading and how it relates to marriage. The priest performing the marriage told the bride and groom that in Native American tradition, a lay person gives the homily. We were honored and humbled to be chosen. The homily has great significance, and we wanted to be sure the words were right for these two we love dearly.
As we began looking into the particular Gospel reading and it's meaning, we found it all boiled down to faith. I came across a quote from St. Augustine that spoke to me, something along the lines of "faith is to believe in things you can not see and the reward of faith is to see what you believe." We could all use a little faith, could we not? People basically live up or down to our expectations of them and when you believe in people, their goodness, their potential, more often than not, you are pleasantly surprised. We both put a lot of thought in to the homily into what we would say. Looking at the sacrament of marriage and it's meaning, made me hopeful. We don't always live up to our commitments in marriage, but we continue to hold that ideal out there in hopes that one day we will. Sure, we live up to parts of it, but am I always gracious in my relationship with my husband? No...definitely not. Am I always kind, patient, generous? Again, the answer is no. I do believe that I can be though, and so I keep working at it, drawing upon a source greater than myself, when I can't muster up the grace myself to do or say the right thing.
So, the wedding. Everything about it was perfect. It was truly a community effort. There were 20 or so people around the house at all times, working to make the event come off without a hitch. Everyone had such a positive attitude, happy to part of the exciting day, willing to help in whatever way was useful. I felt like I was part of the tribe again. I think the bride and groom were able to relax and enjoy the days leading up to and the day of the wedding, resting softly in the knowing that everything would be taken care of. I envy them a little in this way. I've always lived with the mentality that if you want something done, you better do it yourself. In fact, it drives my husband crazy because I will ask him to do something for me and than do it myself, too impatient to wait or because I think I just better do it myself. Who knows why I do that?? But, I could see that it was easy for them to let go, to trust that someone else would take care of any details they hadn't already. They had done the hard work preparing, getting ready and now it was their time to enjoy themselves and their company. (They might have a different take on this, but they both seemed very calm and at ease.)
The wedding was beautiful, special. My sister-in-law's 2 young daughters, ages 7 and 4, were very much a part of the ceremony. You could feel the 4 of them become 1 family. I left that church, listening to the wedding bells of this little old Catholic Church ringing out fiercely over the country side. I felt filled with great hope for the future of this new little family. They are wrapped in love, held by many, many people, committed to their new life, to supporting them as they make their way on this journey. The celebration that followed was a reflection of just that...lots of lively conversation, laughter, dancing, good food and happiness.
As we began looking into the particular Gospel reading and it's meaning, we found it all boiled down to faith. I came across a quote from St. Augustine that spoke to me, something along the lines of "faith is to believe in things you can not see and the reward of faith is to see what you believe." We could all use a little faith, could we not? People basically live up or down to our expectations of them and when you believe in people, their goodness, their potential, more often than not, you are pleasantly surprised. We both put a lot of thought in to the homily into what we would say. Looking at the sacrament of marriage and it's meaning, made me hopeful. We don't always live up to our commitments in marriage, but we continue to hold that ideal out there in hopes that one day we will. Sure, we live up to parts of it, but am I always gracious in my relationship with my husband? No...definitely not. Am I always kind, patient, generous? Again, the answer is no. I do believe that I can be though, and so I keep working at it, drawing upon a source greater than myself, when I can't muster up the grace myself to do or say the right thing.
So, the wedding. Everything about it was perfect. It was truly a community effort. There were 20 or so people around the house at all times, working to make the event come off without a hitch. Everyone had such a positive attitude, happy to part of the exciting day, willing to help in whatever way was useful. I felt like I was part of the tribe again. I think the bride and groom were able to relax and enjoy the days leading up to and the day of the wedding, resting softly in the knowing that everything would be taken care of. I envy them a little in this way. I've always lived with the mentality that if you want something done, you better do it yourself. In fact, it drives my husband crazy because I will ask him to do something for me and than do it myself, too impatient to wait or because I think I just better do it myself. Who knows why I do that?? But, I could see that it was easy for them to let go, to trust that someone else would take care of any details they hadn't already. They had done the hard work preparing, getting ready and now it was their time to enjoy themselves and their company. (They might have a different take on this, but they both seemed very calm and at ease.)
The wedding was beautiful, special. My sister-in-law's 2 young daughters, ages 7 and 4, were very much a part of the ceremony. You could feel the 4 of them become 1 family. I left that church, listening to the wedding bells of this little old Catholic Church ringing out fiercely over the country side. I felt filled with great hope for the future of this new little family. They are wrapped in love, held by many, many people, committed to their new life, to supporting them as they make their way on this journey. The celebration that followed was a reflection of just that...lots of lively conversation, laughter, dancing, good food and happiness.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Transitions
We have officially made it through the first week of summer vacation. I know, I should be mourning it's passing, the summer always passes by too quickly. Ours is full of fun weekend adventures, a family wedding, a family vacation and time with friends. I'm only teaching 3 or 4 yoga classes a week, not doing my other contract work over the summer months, and truly I feel like I have more freedom than I've had in awhile. Well, sort of. My kids are "transitioning" into summer. I don't think they have quite figured out what this new normal looks like.
In some ways, they are there. Ruby has read 4 chapter books in as many days. She has been reading all school year, but something just clicked and she is devouring books like I devour chocolate. She can't get enough of them. We just got our VW van back in the driveway, it's been parked at a friends for almost 2 years, I think. Over the last couple of days, Ruby has spent hours in the back of the van curled up with a book. It's great, I love that she is so into reading. I love to read. But, she is staying up way past bedtime with her night light on, reading long after I think she's asleep. Once again tonight, she tiptoed upstairs and scared me half to death when she said my name and was standing about 6 ft away. She might have a future as a spy, she's stealth. Willis is sleeping in every morning, I think he has figured out that part of summer break, you don't have to get up so early. They are loving being outside, we are taking evening family bike rides, playing together as a family and all that stuff is good.
The not so good is....the togetherness of being with one another all day every day. Elsie has had enough of the mayhem by about 10 a.m. and wants to be in her crib by herself, without anyone touching her or talking to her and then takes a nap (partly because I sort of forget about her for awhile and then go check on her and she's laying in her crib surrounded by books snuggled up, asleep with her blankie). She has been more needy for my attention, wants to be held more, "picks on" her siblings more (this entails hitting one of them, usually with a book or the remote control, or pulling hair or biting, lovely, no?) Ruby and Willis have had about 10 or 12 fights/arguments/debates by lunchtime. I'm trying really hard to not play referee this summer and make the two of them work it out or take a time out. 99% of the time they choose to work it out, but they are still telling on each other, often.
Who knows how long the transition will last. I'm sure once we find our groove, we'll go on vacation, or something will shift and we'll have to find a new one anyways. Life is really a series of transitions, some bigger, some smaller. Some time ago I learned that the word balance comes from the root word balare (which is Latin, I think) and that it means to dance. It's so true. Finding balance is a continual dance and when our pendulum swings too far one way, it sometimes has to go the other to find the happy place in between.
So, I'm dancing in the mean time....might as well get your groove on if you're not yet in the groove, right?
In some ways, they are there. Ruby has read 4 chapter books in as many days. She has been reading all school year, but something just clicked and she is devouring books like I devour chocolate. She can't get enough of them. We just got our VW van back in the driveway, it's been parked at a friends for almost 2 years, I think. Over the last couple of days, Ruby has spent hours in the back of the van curled up with a book. It's great, I love that she is so into reading. I love to read. But, she is staying up way past bedtime with her night light on, reading long after I think she's asleep. Once again tonight, she tiptoed upstairs and scared me half to death when she said my name and was standing about 6 ft away. She might have a future as a spy, she's stealth. Willis is sleeping in every morning, I think he has figured out that part of summer break, you don't have to get up so early. They are loving being outside, we are taking evening family bike rides, playing together as a family and all that stuff is good.
The not so good is....the togetherness of being with one another all day every day. Elsie has had enough of the mayhem by about 10 a.m. and wants to be in her crib by herself, without anyone touching her or talking to her and then takes a nap (partly because I sort of forget about her for awhile and then go check on her and she's laying in her crib surrounded by books snuggled up, asleep with her blankie). She has been more needy for my attention, wants to be held more, "picks on" her siblings more (this entails hitting one of them, usually with a book or the remote control, or pulling hair or biting, lovely, no?) Ruby and Willis have had about 10 or 12 fights/arguments/debates by lunchtime. I'm trying really hard to not play referee this summer and make the two of them work it out or take a time out. 99% of the time they choose to work it out, but they are still telling on each other, often.
Who knows how long the transition will last. I'm sure once we find our groove, we'll go on vacation, or something will shift and we'll have to find a new one anyways. Life is really a series of transitions, some bigger, some smaller. Some time ago I learned that the word balance comes from the root word balare (which is Latin, I think) and that it means to dance. It's so true. Finding balance is a continual dance and when our pendulum swings too far one way, it sometimes has to go the other to find the happy place in between.
So, I'm dancing in the mean time....might as well get your groove on if you're not yet in the groove, right?
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Happy Campers
I'm a writing machine these days, no? I am truly a creature of habit. I looked back and last year I had 12 posts in June. I'm telling you, there is something to the seasons and their effect on me.
I have just been filling out paperwork for my oldest to go to a mini-camp this summer. Mini-camp does not mean day camp, it means overnight camp. I find it hard to believe and I keep crying as I am muddling my way through the many forms we are required to fill out. I don't question whether or not Ruby is ready for the experience. She asked me several weeks ago if she could go to camp this summer. I am guessing she would eagerly go to camp for a whole week if we let her, although she might get homesick after the novelty wore off. She is an independent child, self confident, social, happy go lucky, easy to get along with. She enters new situations without fear, eager to see what they might bring. She is all things good and I want to give her every experience in life that I can. Reading through the packet it talks about preparing them in the weeks before camp, so they know what to expect, don't feel stressed out about the unknown, etc. I think my Ruby, unlike me, welcomes change and what is new and different. She doesn't shy away from new experience, she jumps at the chance more often than not. I think I am probably the one who needs preparing, not her.
I am going to have to wrap my head around her being away, on her own (not really, but it feels that way a little) before I start talking to her about what it will be like. I certainly don't want to break down crying as I describe camp life to her. She is going with one of her friends and there are several other kids that will be there that she knows. It just feels like a big developmental step! I'm not a worrier, I don't think I hold on too tight with my kids, but this one feels hard and particularly emotional for whatever reason.
I still remember going to camp as a kid. I remember the excitement when you got mail, I remember throwing up on my camp counselor's bunk (she was below me) after eating something that did not agree with me, I remember my sister coming in to comfort me. I remember my parents picking me up, I remember doing the arts and crafts. I am excited for her and I can't wait to hear Ruby's stories, to listen to her excitement when she shares her experiences and all she did at mini-camp.
I have just been filling out paperwork for my oldest to go to a mini-camp this summer. Mini-camp does not mean day camp, it means overnight camp. I find it hard to believe and I keep crying as I am muddling my way through the many forms we are required to fill out. I don't question whether or not Ruby is ready for the experience. She asked me several weeks ago if she could go to camp this summer. I am guessing she would eagerly go to camp for a whole week if we let her, although she might get homesick after the novelty wore off. She is an independent child, self confident, social, happy go lucky, easy to get along with. She enters new situations without fear, eager to see what they might bring. She is all things good and I want to give her every experience in life that I can. Reading through the packet it talks about preparing them in the weeks before camp, so they know what to expect, don't feel stressed out about the unknown, etc. I think my Ruby, unlike me, welcomes change and what is new and different. She doesn't shy away from new experience, she jumps at the chance more often than not. I think I am probably the one who needs preparing, not her.
I am going to have to wrap my head around her being away, on her own (not really, but it feels that way a little) before I start talking to her about what it will be like. I certainly don't want to break down crying as I describe camp life to her. She is going with one of her friends and there are several other kids that will be there that she knows. It just feels like a big developmental step! I'm not a worrier, I don't think I hold on too tight with my kids, but this one feels hard and particularly emotional for whatever reason.
I still remember going to camp as a kid. I remember the excitement when you got mail, I remember throwing up on my camp counselor's bunk (she was below me) after eating something that did not agree with me, I remember my sister coming in to comfort me. I remember my parents picking me up, I remember doing the arts and crafts. I am excited for her and I can't wait to hear Ruby's stories, to listen to her excitement when she shares her experiences and all she did at mini-camp.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Paying Attention
One might ask the question...why do I always start blogging 15 minutes before I need to wake up my napping cherubs (they are the sweetest when they are sleeping, aren't they?) to dash out to pick up Ruby from school. Maybe that is the only way I ever get a blog entry done, to have a deadline. 14 minutes and counting.
I read this quote yesterday in my yoga class, "What you pay attention to becomes your experience." I am not sure who wrote it or where the quote came from, but it struck a mighty chord with me. I have been trapped a bit in a negative pattern of speaking without intention. Many moons ago, I read a book on Toltec Wisdom, you've probably heard of it, The Four Agreements. They are simple truths about how to live your life. I can usually only ever pull out 3 of the 4 at any given time and we'll see what I can come out with today... Always do your best. Never make assumptions. Be impeccable with your words....Looks like today I can only pull out 3. Sorry folks. Anyways, the one about being impeccable with your words has always stuck with me. It made me pause and think about what we put out into the world with our words. Somewhere, this was described about using words as a force for light and healing in the world, or like a poison, fueling darkness. I would like, of course, to be the force for light and healing in the world, not some poison spewer. But, I am human, no? I find myself at times making assumptions about what motivates another person's actions, taking it personally, at times, when in actuality it may have nothing to do with me and may have everything to do with their own "stuff" (that is the 4th one, Don't take things personally.)
So, back to paying attention...my husband and I had a conversation about this particular idea this morning. He came to my yoga class yesterday, and perhaps that planted the seed when I read the quote. I'm not sure, but he brought up an interaction he had, that made him notice another's focus on what isn't positive and good, how the person seemed to pay attention to what was negative or wrong in a situation as opposed to what was good. It made me pause. I've been thinking about this about myself. How when you hear a story about someone that is juicy, let's say, or have an experience of someone that is not favorable, instead of choosing to let that story stop at you and quit feeding the rumor mill, or poison in the world of words, I often retell it. Not in a way that intends to make trouble, or stir up drama, I'm actually not sure why I retell it. My husband and I talked about how much better you feel about yourself when you steer clear of those conversations, when you hold back remarks that are less than life giving. I sometimes feel like I need a reminder, to walk around with a mirror so I can see just what it is that I am reflecting in the world.
So, I am making a commitment today to pay attention to the good stuff, the stuff that brings out the best in people, the stuff that makes people feel happy, loved and good inside. I am making a commitment to use my words more impeccably and I have a feeling that my experience will begin to reflect something lighter (not that it was dark to start out with, but I am guessing you know what I mean.)
And.... my time is up. Off to practice my new commitments!
I read this quote yesterday in my yoga class, "What you pay attention to becomes your experience." I am not sure who wrote it or where the quote came from, but it struck a mighty chord with me. I have been trapped a bit in a negative pattern of speaking without intention. Many moons ago, I read a book on Toltec Wisdom, you've probably heard of it, The Four Agreements. They are simple truths about how to live your life. I can usually only ever pull out 3 of the 4 at any given time and we'll see what I can come out with today... Always do your best. Never make assumptions. Be impeccable with your words....Looks like today I can only pull out 3. Sorry folks. Anyways, the one about being impeccable with your words has always stuck with me. It made me pause and think about what we put out into the world with our words. Somewhere, this was described about using words as a force for light and healing in the world, or like a poison, fueling darkness. I would like, of course, to be the force for light and healing in the world, not some poison spewer. But, I am human, no? I find myself at times making assumptions about what motivates another person's actions, taking it personally, at times, when in actuality it may have nothing to do with me and may have everything to do with their own "stuff" (that is the 4th one, Don't take things personally.)
So, back to paying attention...my husband and I had a conversation about this particular idea this morning. He came to my yoga class yesterday, and perhaps that planted the seed when I read the quote. I'm not sure, but he brought up an interaction he had, that made him notice another's focus on what isn't positive and good, how the person seemed to pay attention to what was negative or wrong in a situation as opposed to what was good. It made me pause. I've been thinking about this about myself. How when you hear a story about someone that is juicy, let's say, or have an experience of someone that is not favorable, instead of choosing to let that story stop at you and quit feeding the rumor mill, or poison in the world of words, I often retell it. Not in a way that intends to make trouble, or stir up drama, I'm actually not sure why I retell it. My husband and I talked about how much better you feel about yourself when you steer clear of those conversations, when you hold back remarks that are less than life giving. I sometimes feel like I need a reminder, to walk around with a mirror so I can see just what it is that I am reflecting in the world.
So, I am making a commitment today to pay attention to the good stuff, the stuff that brings out the best in people, the stuff that makes people feel happy, loved and good inside. I am making a commitment to use my words more impeccably and I have a feeling that my experience will begin to reflect something lighter (not that it was dark to start out with, but I am guessing you know what I mean.)
And.... my time is up. Off to practice my new commitments!
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