On my morning walk today, I had a conversation about play time, the importance of taking time as a family to play, to enjoy each other, away from all the household duties, the laundry, the home improvement projects, the bills, etc. We get so lost in our routines, that we often stop really seeing one another, or forget what breathes life into our relationship.
I love that even after being married for almost 10 years, when I take the time to really notice, to see my husband, he still takes my breath away, still stops me in my tracks, still fills my heart to the brim with love for him, with gratitude that he is my partner in life. We went to the park this weekend, played Frisbee with friends, I rode Willis' scooter around the park, the kids practiced riding their bikes, we soaked up a little sunshine.
Sean had brought Willis' rocket to launch. It's one of those kind that you can launch and relaunch, where the kids can push the button that send the thing up 1000 ft into the sky (that may be an exaggeration, I'm not the best with distance). He had the girls invite 3 little boys, who were playing basketball at the park, over to launch the rocket with us. He let each one have a turn. They ranged in age from 5 - 9. They were stoked to participate. Sean was so kind to them, made sure each one had a chance to press the launch button at least once. As my friend described it with her arms wide open, "Sean just brings you in, folds you into his community." It's one of my favorite qualities of his, he has a way of making people feel welcome, unarmed. He's a gentle soul, great with kids, and he knows how to have fun, too.
Fast forward to Saturday night and I am watching him, dressed in some crazy rocker get-up, sporting a mullet and headband (or sweatband?) singing Karaoke, The Who's "Pinball Wizard", with gusto. My heart felt big and I was smiling from ear to ear. I love this man. I laughed with him, danced with him, felt light and happy to call him mine.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Pausing
Sometimes we give good advice that we don't listen to ourselves. I have a friend that one time I told to just take a breather, to pause, when she was experiencing too much stress and was overcome with anxiety. She reminds me of this periodically when she is stressed, "I should listen to your advice, just pause." (I actually don't remember saying this to her, but it is something I talk about in yoga.) We are so often human doings, we forget we are human beings. We can experience the being part more if we just take a moment to pause every now and then.
For some reason, the last few days, I have been present in this pause. It's almost magical when it happens....today, as I witnessed a friend, who felt like her life was unravelling, as I sat with Elsie on the couch, a bowl of goldfish/cheerios/raisins (her current trail of mix) in our lap, reading her a story I used to read to Ruby. Yesterday, as I listened to a friend share of a frightening experience, tears running down my cheeks, feeling full of compassion and a desire to comfort. We all have these simple moments in life, where we can get caught up in the doing of what is taking place, our energy gets wrapped up in another's, or we can pause and soak in what beauty these moments have to offer. Even in the midst of the suffering we all experience, we all create for ourselves in big and small ways, there is beauty, there is joy, there is something to be grateful for.
I've been on a search for more time for myself, for more breathing room. I love my children dearly, yet a piece of me wants some independence again. I want of be able to leave spontaneously, to spend hours unplanned, uncommitted to anything. The other half of me is thankful every darn day, that I have the privilege of raising these three amazing little beings, that I get to be home with them most of the time, that I get to be at drop offs and pick ups for school, that they don't spend one more minute than necessary in child care. There is a balance here, that I am seeking to find. A place where I get time to myself, time to pursue things that make me feel full, that give me the energy to give back to my children. There is a reason they tell you when flying to put your oxygen mask on first. You can't help someone else if you can't breathe yourself. Duh!
It's a journey, isn't it? There is not one great day when we wake up with the stars aligned and say....aha! I have arrived. We might do that, actually, and then life happens and we say...oh boy, I guess I didn't have it all figured out, did I?
So, we take it day by day, juggling what we do, finding those sweet moments of pause, in between the doing, so that we can feel our way back when we stray from simply being.
For some reason, the last few days, I have been present in this pause. It's almost magical when it happens....today, as I witnessed a friend, who felt like her life was unravelling, as I sat with Elsie on the couch, a bowl of goldfish/cheerios/raisins (her current trail of mix) in our lap, reading her a story I used to read to Ruby. Yesterday, as I listened to a friend share of a frightening experience, tears running down my cheeks, feeling full of compassion and a desire to comfort. We all have these simple moments in life, where we can get caught up in the doing of what is taking place, our energy gets wrapped up in another's, or we can pause and soak in what beauty these moments have to offer. Even in the midst of the suffering we all experience, we all create for ourselves in big and small ways, there is beauty, there is joy, there is something to be grateful for.
I've been on a search for more time for myself, for more breathing room. I love my children dearly, yet a piece of me wants some independence again. I want of be able to leave spontaneously, to spend hours unplanned, uncommitted to anything. The other half of me is thankful every darn day, that I have the privilege of raising these three amazing little beings, that I get to be home with them most of the time, that I get to be at drop offs and pick ups for school, that they don't spend one more minute than necessary in child care. There is a balance here, that I am seeking to find. A place where I get time to myself, time to pursue things that make me feel full, that give me the energy to give back to my children. There is a reason they tell you when flying to put your oxygen mask on first. You can't help someone else if you can't breathe yourself. Duh!
It's a journey, isn't it? There is not one great day when we wake up with the stars aligned and say....aha! I have arrived. We might do that, actually, and then life happens and we say...oh boy, I guess I didn't have it all figured out, did I?
So, we take it day by day, juggling what we do, finding those sweet moments of pause, in between the doing, so that we can feel our way back when we stray from simply being.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Winds of Change
The wind chimes dance in sound
As dry leaves race in tireless circles across the pavement
A warm patch of sunshine rests softly on my cheek
Hinting of warmer days yet to come.
I wait patiently for this season to pass,
For signs of change,
Signs of nature coming back to life.
Shades of winter white and dull gray cloud the horizon
What lies beyond, I cannot see.
And so, I sit
Soaking up what the moment has to offer,
Bathed in light and the music of possibility.
As dry leaves race in tireless circles across the pavement
A warm patch of sunshine rests softly on my cheek
Hinting of warmer days yet to come.
I wait patiently for this season to pass,
For signs of change,
Signs of nature coming back to life.
Shades of winter white and dull gray cloud the horizon
What lies beyond, I cannot see.
And so, I sit
Soaking up what the moment has to offer,
Bathed in light and the music of possibility.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A stitch in time
Sometimes it IS all about the little things. I just finished sewing Ruby's ballet slippers, I'll save you the details, or not. They are new and the straps that hold her little feet in aren't attached when you buy them, so either you sew them in or I guess their feet fall out? I don't really get why they come that way, but as I finished stitching the last strap, I felt such a sense of satisfaction. I also sewed (is that a word? looks funny) a couple of ice pack covers on Sunday and that too felt quite satisfying. Maybe because my husband has been asking me to do make them for a couple of months and when I finally did, it took all of about 5 minutes to make 3 of them. We probably spent more time talking about when I was going to finally get around to doing this than it actually took for me to do it. Our kids like to have ice packs on their pillows at night, not sure why they do this in the middle of winter, but they do, and now we don't have to wrap them up in cloth napkins that they slide out of in the middle of the night.
What's my point? Well, my point is...something about sewing makes me pause, makes me focus on just what I am doing. I am not a great sewer (is that a word? looks like where our waste water goes). I have to stay completely immersed in what I am doing or else things go awry. I mostly only sew straight lines, I only do 2 stitches, straight and zig-zag and anything that requires a pattern is probably outside my repertoire, really. So, it isn't that I create some great work of art or fashion when I sew, I think it is just the simplicity of creating something from nothing, okay not nothing, but from nothing particularly useful, to something that has a function.
I don't have any greater context to put this in, I am probably not going to start sewing more or anything, its just that sometimes what brings us joy is simply taking time to pause, notice, to be completely focused on one thing and not distracted in our heads or hearts, to just be with what or whomever we are with, not someplace else, not stuck in the past or worrying about the present. Taking life as it comes,one stitch at a time, feels really good.
What's my point? Well, my point is...something about sewing makes me pause, makes me focus on just what I am doing. I am not a great sewer (is that a word? looks like where our waste water goes). I have to stay completely immersed in what I am doing or else things go awry. I mostly only sew straight lines, I only do 2 stitches, straight and zig-zag and anything that requires a pattern is probably outside my repertoire, really. So, it isn't that I create some great work of art or fashion when I sew, I think it is just the simplicity of creating something from nothing, okay not nothing, but from nothing particularly useful, to something that has a function.
I don't have any greater context to put this in, I am probably not going to start sewing more or anything, its just that sometimes what brings us joy is simply taking time to pause, notice, to be completely focused on one thing and not distracted in our heads or hearts, to just be with what or whomever we are with, not someplace else, not stuck in the past or worrying about the present. Taking life as it comes,one stitch at a time, feels really good.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Teaching Peace
Friday night, as we sat together as a family eating dinner, talking about our days, Ruby and Willis launched in to a discussion about Martin Luther King, Jr, or as Willis calls him Dr. Markin Luther. He says it like he has a mouth full of marbles. Both of them had lessons at school about who Dr. King was, about his experiences and why we celebrate his life. Ruby was part of an assembly at school. She memorized a little blurb about him, something like "L is for laws, being equal for all. He stood for civil rights..." I forget the rest. She spent the week memorizing it, trying to get the word civil ingrained her memory. It went from cill, to cibil, to civil. I think she finally did get it. As she talked about the assembly, she said, "Did you know that there was this lady, Rosa Parks, who got arrested for sitting down on the bus? They wouldn't let her sit in the front and that is NOT fair. She knew it wasn't right, so she just sat down in front anyways." She told more of the story, said she knew another word for being killed, assassinated. Not a word I necessarily want my 1st grader using, but in the context she spoke of, I felt proud that she understood what it meant. She described how people were treated different "just because they have different colored skin, isn't that wrong?" She told us how all the people said, fine, we won't use your buses then. We don't need them, we can walk or ride bikes...peaceful protest.
Willis on the other hand, true to form, told his story of Dr. Markin Luther. He said that police shot people with bee-bees, that police shot sombody's eye out. Lovely, no? It fascinates me what he took away from the story, which I am sure was age appropriate, at that age they just grab on to certain pieces, and Willis' was of course the part involving shooting. He also said that a lady with black hair got in trouble for being on the bus and then said to my mom that she kind of has black hair, but not really black. I'd love to sit in that little mind of his for a moment and know how his little wheels are spinning.
Teaching children about peace and equality is not always an easy conversation to have, parts of it are difficult to explain. When Ruby asks me "Why would people do that?" wondering about people who are mean or violent towards another, why wouldn't people let them sit where they wanted on the bus...I don't always have the answers or know how to articulate them in a way she can understand. I'm thankful for her little peaceful heart that knows what is fair and what isn't, that she knows it isn't always easy to stand up for what's right, that it takes being brave and it might be scary, but it's the right thing to do.
My kids will grow up in a country that I think is more fair and just than the one Dr. King lived in, and one of the reasons why it's more fair is, of course, because of people like him who were brave and wise and stood for peace. We still have a long way to go. I know that the best way to teach peace is by example and I hope in little and big ways, my children, too, will march on to be catalysts for peace.
Willis on the other hand, true to form, told his story of Dr. Markin Luther. He said that police shot people with bee-bees, that police shot sombody's eye out. Lovely, no? It fascinates me what he took away from the story, which I am sure was age appropriate, at that age they just grab on to certain pieces, and Willis' was of course the part involving shooting. He also said that a lady with black hair got in trouble for being on the bus and then said to my mom that she kind of has black hair, but not really black. I'd love to sit in that little mind of his for a moment and know how his little wheels are spinning.
Teaching children about peace and equality is not always an easy conversation to have, parts of it are difficult to explain. When Ruby asks me "Why would people do that?" wondering about people who are mean or violent towards another, why wouldn't people let them sit where they wanted on the bus...I don't always have the answers or know how to articulate them in a way she can understand. I'm thankful for her little peaceful heart that knows what is fair and what isn't, that she knows it isn't always easy to stand up for what's right, that it takes being brave and it might be scary, but it's the right thing to do.
My kids will grow up in a country that I think is more fair and just than the one Dr. King lived in, and one of the reasons why it's more fair is, of course, because of people like him who were brave and wise and stood for peace. We still have a long way to go. I know that the best way to teach peace is by example and I hope in little and big ways, my children, too, will march on to be catalysts for peace.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Happy New Year
I've been in a quieter, reflective space, winter hibernation mode, you might call it. I've spent more time reading, journaling, writing (pen and paper style). I have been looking at what it is that I want to cultivate in this new year, where I want to focus my energy and attention. I'm not big on new years resolutions, I truly see each day as an opportunity to resolve to do better the next day. At the end of each day, or at least most days, I take a moment or two to reflect and consider whether or not I lived the day well, at the right pace, my own pace. Did I find time to play? Did I laugh with my kids? Did my husband feel especially loved? Did I extend kindness and compassion to those I came in to contact with? Did I speak truthfully and honestly? Did I practice non-harm, in my thoughts, speech and actions? Did I leave the world a little better place than I found it today? Was I a good friend? Some days the questions are easy to answer and other days not. Some days pass by so quickly, I have a hard time remembering particulars about them. Other days have moments, simple moments of truth, that will stand out in my memory for days, weeks, maybe even a lifetime.
In my yoga study, I came across this quote the other day... "how we behave toward others and our environment reveals our state of mind..." It spoke to me. I find my interactions with others, such a reflection of the calm or fury I feel inside. It seems obvious enough, but how often do we sit back and observe our interactions with others and think "wow, I am really embodying the essence of my true nature right now, I am teaching peace by example"? If you are like me, rarely. Every now and then, I find myself, surprised by grace, truly immersed in the beauty of a moment. For whatever reason we often do otherwise. We act out of fear, jealousy, frustration, desire, attachment, grasping, trying to hold on to the way things are, when they inevitably always change...the list is endless. It is only when we sit quietly, keenly alert, at the center of ourselves, that we can operate from this place of beauty. I have witnessed people in my life recently (including myself) interact with others from a place that is less than pure, the opposite of graceful. As I watch (myself sometimes), I wonder, what is it that keeps us from being the very best version of ourselves, all the time. What is it that makes us speak sharply to a stranger, ignore another's needs, think our omissions of truth are not exactly lies? It fascinates me, and not from a judgemental place, I am just as human as the next being. I do believe that at our essence, we are all good, but our tendency is to stray from that and I am not sure why? I guess this is probably one of the age old questions and for whatever reason I seem to be contemplating it right now. My hope for this new year is not that I will be any less human or any more perfect, but that I will find more moments of beauty, grace, compassion, simplicity and pure love. I hope that you will, too.
Happy New Year
In my yoga study, I came across this quote the other day... "how we behave toward others and our environment reveals our state of mind..." It spoke to me. I find my interactions with others, such a reflection of the calm or fury I feel inside. It seems obvious enough, but how often do we sit back and observe our interactions with others and think "wow, I am really embodying the essence of my true nature right now, I am teaching peace by example"? If you are like me, rarely. Every now and then, I find myself, surprised by grace, truly immersed in the beauty of a moment. For whatever reason we often do otherwise. We act out of fear, jealousy, frustration, desire, attachment, grasping, trying to hold on to the way things are, when they inevitably always change...the list is endless. It is only when we sit quietly, keenly alert, at the center of ourselves, that we can operate from this place of beauty. I have witnessed people in my life recently (including myself) interact with others from a place that is less than pure, the opposite of graceful. As I watch (myself sometimes), I wonder, what is it that keeps us from being the very best version of ourselves, all the time. What is it that makes us speak sharply to a stranger, ignore another's needs, think our omissions of truth are not exactly lies? It fascinates me, and not from a judgemental place, I am just as human as the next being. I do believe that at our essence, we are all good, but our tendency is to stray from that and I am not sure why? I guess this is probably one of the age old questions and for whatever reason I seem to be contemplating it right now. My hope for this new year is not that I will be any less human or any more perfect, but that I will find more moments of beauty, grace, compassion, simplicity and pure love. I hope that you will, too.
Happy New Year
Friday, December 17, 2010
Putting it in Perspective
Oh boy...this is the fourth blog entry I have started in the last couple of weeks and never make it around to finishing my train of thought, or get interrupted before I even get going. I feel like life has been so full, full of good stuff, time with friends, time to play, time with the kids, time with my dear husband, time to take care of myself. It's always a balancing act, yes, of course, but this past week, despite the busy schedule has been a rich one.
Last week I was working out in White Swan 2 days in a row. The drive out there is always a good time for me to either get jiggy with myself (also known as, rock out) or to have a long uninterrupted conversation with God (the Divine, life force, the Universe - insert your name of choice). As I shared in my last post, I've been out of sorts for several weeks, off center. I have struggled with a couple of relationships in my life, felt uncomfortable in my own skin at times, irritated by people I love (which I know is my own junk, not theirs) and overall had more tears than normal. I could feel the Universe holding me as I continued to walk through this difficult time. I think those times when we are more raw, more vulnerable, we sometimes pay closer attention. Someone's kind words that we might dismiss, we take to heart, they mean something different when our cup feels empty. I had an old, dear friend send me an email love letter. I've known her since childhood and we don't see each other often, but we always connect with a capital C when we do. She just shared with me what she values in me, kind of out of the blue, and I bawled my eyes out when I read it. Not anything I don't know about myself, but reading it in someone else's words is very powerful, especially when you feel a little lost. People just seemed extra nice, kind, intentional with me. I had extra help with the kids. Maybe I was putting out the vibe that I needed it (of course, I was).
So back to my long drive to White Swan...I was having this heart to heart with God. I said, okay, what's going on here, tell me what I need to do. I am lost, I feel fearful, empty. The response..."You have to take care of yourself. You have to put yourself first." That made me cry even more. Of course. Have I not learned this lesson yet? I get a glimpse of it and then I don't know what the heck happens. I know that when we have these deeply ingrained beliefs about ourselves (like I have to take care of others to be worthy? I'm not sure what the belief is for me, but I often put others needs in front of my own, in a self-sacrificing way that does not make the world a better place), it can be hard to change them. I get it in my head, but am still working on getting it in my heart. Of course, I believe I deserve to have time to myself, I deserve to do things for myself that nourish me, but somehow when the days shake out, I often leave that piece out.
But, not this week. I have had a great week, worked as much as normal, the difference was I carved out time for myself where I could. That meant asking for extra help, planning ahead, being away from the kids more than normal and asking for my husband to do a little bit more. But, damn I feel good and its Friday! Those little gifts of time that we give ourselves are really gifts to those around us too. What we do for ourselves, we do for others, and what we do for others, we do for ourselves. (Somebody wise said this and I'm running with it.) When I fill up my own cup, I have much more to share, to give to others. Which brings me back to what I wanted to write about in the first place...
It's the holidays. There is nothing like children to put the meaning of this season into perspective. When I picked up my sweet little Ruby from school yesterday, she was all a buzz. We HAD to get something for her 5th grade peace partner. They are watching The Polar Express at school today and she wanted to bring a treat to share. She decided she wanted to make those tasty pretzels dipped in chocolate with sprinkles. We stopped by the grocery store on the way home and got the supplies. By the time we left the grocery store, she had a list of 5 other people she wanted to give them to..her teacher, the teacher's aide, the principal, the school counselor, Will's teachers. I let her stay up late so we could finish the pretzels (decorated with more sprinkles than any one human should eat, but looking quite festive). While I cleaned up, Ruby wrote notes to attach to the pretzels..my two favorite were the one for her teacher and the one for the school principal.
For her teacher, "Dear Ms. W. I am glad you are my teacher. Thank you for spending all your money on us."
For the principal, "Mr. B, Thank you for all you do to make our school a better place."
Maybe it's just because I am her mom, but they made my heart fill, spill over with love. She has such a generous, kind and tender little heart about her. I'm grateful she chose me to be her mama. She reminds me what is important, often. She reminds me to see the goodness of people and to be grateful for all the good we have in our lives, even when we feel off.
Happy Holidays.
Last week I was working out in White Swan 2 days in a row. The drive out there is always a good time for me to either get jiggy with myself (also known as, rock out) or to have a long uninterrupted conversation with God (the Divine, life force, the Universe - insert your name of choice). As I shared in my last post, I've been out of sorts for several weeks, off center. I have struggled with a couple of relationships in my life, felt uncomfortable in my own skin at times, irritated by people I love (which I know is my own junk, not theirs) and overall had more tears than normal. I could feel the Universe holding me as I continued to walk through this difficult time. I think those times when we are more raw, more vulnerable, we sometimes pay closer attention. Someone's kind words that we might dismiss, we take to heart, they mean something different when our cup feels empty. I had an old, dear friend send me an email love letter. I've known her since childhood and we don't see each other often, but we always connect with a capital C when we do. She just shared with me what she values in me, kind of out of the blue, and I bawled my eyes out when I read it. Not anything I don't know about myself, but reading it in someone else's words is very powerful, especially when you feel a little lost. People just seemed extra nice, kind, intentional with me. I had extra help with the kids. Maybe I was putting out the vibe that I needed it (of course, I was).
So back to my long drive to White Swan...I was having this heart to heart with God. I said, okay, what's going on here, tell me what I need to do. I am lost, I feel fearful, empty. The response..."You have to take care of yourself. You have to put yourself first." That made me cry even more. Of course. Have I not learned this lesson yet? I get a glimpse of it and then I don't know what the heck happens. I know that when we have these deeply ingrained beliefs about ourselves (like I have to take care of others to be worthy? I'm not sure what the belief is for me, but I often put others needs in front of my own, in a self-sacrificing way that does not make the world a better place), it can be hard to change them. I get it in my head, but am still working on getting it in my heart. Of course, I believe I deserve to have time to myself, I deserve to do things for myself that nourish me, but somehow when the days shake out, I often leave that piece out.
But, not this week. I have had a great week, worked as much as normal, the difference was I carved out time for myself where I could. That meant asking for extra help, planning ahead, being away from the kids more than normal and asking for my husband to do a little bit more. But, damn I feel good and its Friday! Those little gifts of time that we give ourselves are really gifts to those around us too. What we do for ourselves, we do for others, and what we do for others, we do for ourselves. (Somebody wise said this and I'm running with it.) When I fill up my own cup, I have much more to share, to give to others. Which brings me back to what I wanted to write about in the first place...
It's the holidays. There is nothing like children to put the meaning of this season into perspective. When I picked up my sweet little Ruby from school yesterday, she was all a buzz. We HAD to get something for her 5th grade peace partner. They are watching The Polar Express at school today and she wanted to bring a treat to share. She decided she wanted to make those tasty pretzels dipped in chocolate with sprinkles. We stopped by the grocery store on the way home and got the supplies. By the time we left the grocery store, she had a list of 5 other people she wanted to give them to..her teacher, the teacher's aide, the principal, the school counselor, Will's teachers. I let her stay up late so we could finish the pretzels (decorated with more sprinkles than any one human should eat, but looking quite festive). While I cleaned up, Ruby wrote notes to attach to the pretzels..my two favorite were the one for her teacher and the one for the school principal.
For her teacher, "Dear Ms. W. I am glad you are my teacher. Thank you for spending all your money on us."
For the principal, "Mr. B, Thank you for all you do to make our school a better place."
Maybe it's just because I am her mom, but they made my heart fill, spill over with love. She has such a generous, kind and tender little heart about her. I'm grateful she chose me to be her mama. She reminds me what is important, often. She reminds me to see the goodness of people and to be grateful for all the good we have in our lives, even when we feel off.
Happy Holidays.
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