Monday, July 13, 2009

Journal Through Time

For much of my adult life, I've had the idea that I want to write a book. It's a thought and sometimes becomes action, I type paragraphs into this document titled "the book" on my computer, little snip-its of stories, ideas, musings. I began journaling today with the thought of what is missing from my life? I realized as I wrote, that it is this creative expression, the way we express our divine Self. We come from a creator, how ever you define that, and we must continue to express that creator through ourselves, to recreate to stay connected to this source of great energy. We do it in little and small ways. I've had this "thing" for lack of a better word, brewing in me, waiting to be unleashed, and I realized as I journaled that what stops me from taking on this journey of a the book, is fear. Fear it won't be well received, fear no one will want to publish it, fear I'll be laughed at for thinking that I was capable of writing a book. You know the tape recording that play in our minds when we choose to live out of fear not love? Everything could go wrong, or everything could go right. I have stacks and stacks of journals that I have kept over the years. I am fascinated by what I read when I sift through them, poetry, words of wisdom, the tales of painful struggles, broken heartedness, immense joy and discovery of my Self. And so, I realize, I need to commit to myself to write, to find time, regularly (and I'm not entirely sure what that means yet) to work on this, to birth this thing inside of me. It's been calling me to for years. I have to trust that the process of writing it is what I need, not the fame or fortune I might dream will come out of it. I have visions of an Oprah appearance, a national book tour. You never know, BUT, I realize, wholeheartedly, I have to do it for what I will uncover, discover and recover of myself. It's all about the journey...

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I'll follow you into the dark

We all know that I have this deep need, longing to feel connected to people, to get down to the depths of the soul, what makes a person tick, to understand what they are afraid of, what motivates them, what they believe in, what they hold true, what makes them cry, what makes them laugh, what brings joy and what breaks their heart. It's not so much to ask is it? It seems like isn't that exactly what we are here for? And what stops us from allowing ourselves to be just that raw with one another. I have this theory about why with some people that openness comes with so much ease. I think we all come from the same source, some massive Divine energy, that I can't begin to define. I think some of us come into being and when we meet someone that was somewhere close to us back at the source, shared the same space of energy perhaps, there is a knowing, a gentle lightness of being in the presence of one of these souls that knows, they get you in a way that others might not. They might even speak truths that you have thought but have not yet been able to put in to words.
One of those people from my past contacted me the other day. I am sorry to say that our last interaction some 12 or 13 or 15 years ago, who is counting, really, was a negative one. We ended on a sour note. I didn't realize I still held some negative energy in my heart until I got the email. The odd part about it was that in feeling what I did, I realized that the reason we hurt others is out of an effort to protect ourselves and all that does in turn is create this self fulfilling prophecy, preventing us from healing from the very thing we fear. Isn't that odd? And in reading the email, I realized they are still wrestling with this same fear from however many years ago and it gave me permission to let go, knowing it never had anything to do with me.