I think we have officially made the transition to summer. Weather is hot, kids are sleeping in, our social calendar has been busy and our house is a mess. I'm much more inclined to spend the afternoon poolside than to stay here and clean up. Dinner is often something on the BBQ and I feel a freedom I haven't felt in a long while. We spent last weekend on Whidbey Island, and as I sat on the beach, looking out at the amazing view, taking in the sea air, feeling sunshine on my skin, I felt truly relaxed. The kids were playing, scattered on the beach. I felt content, happy to feel like I could just be and didn't need to DO anything. Sometimes that is hard for me, I feel like there is so much effort in to getting places with our 3 munchkins, that once we get there, it's hard for me to enjoy the journey of being there and not focus on the next destination, so to speak.
Yesterday, I dropped my oldest off at mini-camp. She was smiling, excited, happy when I left. I could see the mix of emotion in many of the kids faces. Excitement coupled with a bit of concern...our my parents really leaving me here? I felt proud of Ruby and how brave she is to go off to camp for 2 nights. We had many conversations prior to that day about what camp might be like and she was truly just excited and open to the adventure of it. As we pulled in to the parking lot, I could feel that heaviness in my gut, tears welling up in my eyes. I looked at her and told her I was going to try really hard not to cry when I left here. She wrapped her arms around my leg and said "Oh Mom." Not in an annoyed sort of way, rather in a tender, I love you, I'll be fine sort of way. It feels like such a milestone and in the mean time the other two are changing right before my very eyes. Willis' little body is changing, he's getting taller, slimmer. His face is losing baby fat, I assume, as it looks different, older. Elsie is stringing words together, understanding things I don't expect her to. I wonder when did all this take place? I've been watching, am I just now noticing or did it happen overnight? My heart is full and aches all at the same time. I know there is no use in holding on, everything changes. Kids grow up, relationships change, I change. Even knowing that, there is a bittersweet longing to soak up what is before it's gone and has turned into something else, not better or worse, just different. I'm grateful for these long summer days, time to play, to be, to give myself permission to not work so hard and to enjoy the simple moments that pass us by when we aren't watching.