I am not sure what inspired me to sit down today and type after my 5 month hiatus, but here I am sitting on my couch, fingers plucking away at the keyboard, hopeful I can crank an entry out and get back on the blogging road again.
Last time I wrote, I was running. I wasn't just running, I was training for a marathon. I was dedicated, committed and loved the running. I worked my way up to 18 miles and then my body began to fall apart, break down. I could feel myself getting weaker not stronger, but my drive and determination made me keep at it....for awhile. I eventually ended up in physical therapy and found myself working on core stabilization (tell me if that doesn't speak of needing to get centered). The truth is, as much as I loved the running, I also felt like it was making me crazy. I felt mentally scattered, thoughts running wild, unfocused (on anything other than running) and like my mind had become very cluttered. I felt itchy in my own skin, not physically, but unsettled, restless. I couldn't get my body to cooperate and had to stop running. I resisted, at first, hopeful if I just backed off for a bit, I would be able to come back with a vengeance and still be able to run the marathon. Eventually, I was forced to face the reality that not only had I lost a LOT of ground, I just physically was not capable of enduring the pain that continuing to run involved and that I needed to let go. I needed to put my ego aside and take care of myself.
I found myself agitated, more restless, hungry for an outlet for the energy I had been channeling in to my running, but as the days passed I began to let go. I began spending more time at home, more time in the yard, started walking in the mornings again and little by little I found myself. I began to peel back these layers of labels I had wrapped myself in and found that sitting still in the middle of me felt much better than I thought.
I'm not sure if this is making or sense, or if I am even telling the story, I am trying to tell. Like increases like. I am someone who has a tendency to be imbalanced in the way of doing too much. Going and doing, instead of just being. Some people suffer from the opposite, too much sitting and being, not enough doing or momentum to get going. I don't think running becomes me, at least not in the way I was doing it. I am prone to fill my plate, have lots of things going on. I have 3 jobs, for goodness sake, am in a book club, lead a study group. I am not any busier than anyone else, we all have the same amount of time, I know, but my tendency is too schedule it full and to go and do. It has felt really good to slow down, have more free time, more down time, more unscheduled time. I feel like it helps me to stay grounded, to feel in balance. Sometimes when we are in the midst of these seasons, the ebb and flow of life, it isn't easy to see what is happening. It's so close to us, that we can't get a clear picture. As I have stepped back, let go, settled in, I see that the running was part of a lesson for me, a journey toward finding more balance, more space in my life to create and recreate. Something most of us could always use more of...