Do good, feel good, be good...

I am 38 today.  I don't know what I expected 38 to feel like, but it wasn't this.  Not in a bad way, I just keep thinking...dang girl...38, that is so close to 40.  So, I am guessing that somewhere in my mind 40 seemed old at some point in time.  I think back to my mom at 38, it was when she had my brother,  and she didn't seem old then, but somewhere in my 20s, 40 seemed older, more mature, I guess.  I don't know where I thought I'd be or what I'd be doing, but as I drove in my car today with my 3 kiddos buckled in their carseats (the older 2 arguing with each other and the little one singing to herself), I couldn't think of someplace else in life I'd want to be really.  There is so much to be joyful about when I sit in the present.  When I look around at all I have to be grateful for, all my family is blessed with, it puts a smile on my face and often tears in my eyes.
Maybe it's been knowing this birthday is coming, or maybe I have just looked a little closer at myself in the mirror, but I have noticed more wrinkles on my face lately.  Last week my son told me my neck was getting old recently, kind of "scrunchy, you know".  The funny thing is that I feel healthier than I've ever been.  I'm training for a marathon and running again after about an 8 year hiatus.  My body feels like its in good shape, strong, I feel like I'm at my prime in some ways, full of potential.  I contemplate the next 38 years on the horizon and think...yes, my body will probably start breaking down from here on out (it's probably already started to), and so I better take good care of it, be kind to it, its the only one I've got.  I hope that isn't the case with my mind.  Hopefully, it's the opposite, it continues to find more clarity, less struggle, more ease, less suffering. 
I keep getting the same label on my yogi tea bags that say "Feel good, do good, be good." Those 3 in I'm not sure what order, but it resonates with me.  I hope to spend this next year living that.  Feeling good, taking care of myself, not putting garbage into my body or my mind, continuing to surround myself with people that make me feel good, laughing often, spending as much time as possible outside.  Doing good...raising my children with intention, taking care of my husband and my family, being kind to others, having a positive impact on those I come into contact with, friends and strangers alike, extending grace, forgiveness, letting the past go.  And last but not least...being good.  I think the being good comes from living the first two.  I am hoping it will be my best year yet.

Re-emerging

oh boy...nobody faint...it's been 3 months since I have been able to find it in me to write for public consumption.  I've done plenty of journaling over the course of the last few months, but letting anyone into my head has felt like a scary proposition.  Do you ever feel like you are going nuts?  I have spent the last few months stuck in my head.  In general, I think I am a pretty quiet minded person.  It's not that I don't process things or think about stuff, I just don't tend to get so preoccupied with my thoughts that I am distracted from what is going on in front of me.  Over the course of this fall, I felt like my spinning just began to consume me.  I felt lost in my head much of the time, watching the same thoughts pass through my mind day in and day out.  Don't ask me what they were, because I'm not even sure I could tell you, I don't really know.  What I do know, is that I began to feel very lonely, despite having plenty of people in my life.  I began to sink deeper inside myself and found myself struggling with the same old stuff.  One evening I spent about 3 hours reading my old journals, from 15+ years ago.  I cringed as I could see many of the same exact patterns playing out in my mind today.  I thought I had purged myself of much of that baggage and have to admit I was more than a bit disappointed to realize I am still doing the same work.  What is it that makes us hold so tight to those destructive thought patterns?  After beating myself up over it for an evening, I began to think maybe we are like onions.  We just keep peeling back these layers, they don't really look different, the layers, but we get closer to the core the more we pull them back.  I guess that is just what I am doing, moving closer toward my Self (you know the one with the big S).
After the journey back in time with these journals, I told my husband about feeling lonely.  I can see it's because I begin to hide my Self from those I love.  I put the masks on that give the impression all is well and I stop sharing what is really going on.  I've been peeling the masks off and my mind seems to have a little more space in it and I am feeling a little lighter.
I don't think it is coincidence that I feel this way during a time when the darkness is overtaking the light in nature.  I think this season gives us the opportunity to be reflective, to go inside and see what is left to heal, to repair, to rebuild, to recharge... and hopefully re-emerge a better version of our self.