Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Spiritual Hunger

I feel hungry.  I have for a couple of weeks, maybe a month, and I think I am just now finding my way to articulate it.  This feeling has come and gone throughout my adult life.  If you ever experience that longing for a deep spiritual connection, you know what I am talking about.  If you haven't, I'm not sure I know how to explain it.  I feel restless.  I find myself spending time on the computer, mindlessly looking for something, what I don't know.  I wake up in the midst of it and think, I am totally wasting my time.  I am not going to find what I am looking for in somebody else's facebook post, or email or whatever.  This hunger is spiritual.  It's a need to feel connected to something greater than myself. 
I have passed up two recent opportunities to participate in something that might have fed me a bit.  I'm not sure why.  I won't say I regret not doing these things, but I do find myself wondering why I opted not to, knowing that I feel this discontent.  There have been times in my life when I feel like I know exactly what I am supposed to be doing, and I'm doing it.  There are times like right now when I am not entirely sure what I am supposed to be doing.  I keep doing what I do, sharing and giving when and where I can, but it doesn't feel like enough.  Not in a I'm not good enough kind of way, but in a way that feels like I am being called to something more....I just don't know what that more is.
I continue to teach yoga, which is usually a place that feels connected for me, but right now that isn't doing the trick.  I'm not sad, depressed, unhappy, nothing like that.  I just feel like I need my soul to be shifted a bit.  I shared this with a friend on Monday and she replied, "Sometimes it is hard to be a woman who feels things deeply and longs for connectedness.  I will pray that you have peace in your soul and insight into what you need."  Heck, that is my prayer to.
In the mean time, I will try to allow myself to just feel what I do.  To sit with this uneasiness, knowing that it will not stay as it is.  I know that everything changes, that is one constant in all of our lives, and so what I feel will evolve and shift and move into something different.  I think I am beginning to feel like I might be able to create a little space in my life for something that would nourish me, I'm just not sure what that is.  Elsie is less dependent on me physically, I feel like I am getting much better about asking for help, about not feeling guilty for taking care of my own needs, I just am not entirely sure how to tend to this particular need right now. So I sit, spiritually hungry, praying for some awakening, some a-ha, something to happen next.  It always does.

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