I'm not grounded. I am in the throws of seasonal change, hormones, internal life struggles, what I am supposed to be doing questions...anything else? That covers it, mostly. I feel extremely ungrounded, flighty, unfocused, scattered. I can't think of any other descriptors, but you get the gist of it, no?
It's funny. I have been carrying some stuff around for awhile, some struggles, issues, unhealthy behaviors. I've been aware of them, moderately aware, I would say, but I seemed to want to continue carrying the load, until recently. The right person asked the right question and out came the genie, sharing things I had not articulated even to myself, not even in the privacy of my dear little journal who is almost always the first to hear. I started to verbally cleanse myself of all this stuff I have been carrying around, and oddly enough, that has been completely ungrounding for me. I think all that was weighing me down was keeping me grounded and now that I have opened the can of worms, so to speak, I feel a little out of control and uncertain about what to do other than sit right where I am at.
Among other things, my work funding is on the rocks for next year and I verbally committed myself to raising $20,000 so the work can continue next fiscal year. I know that if that is what I want to do, I can raise the money. Fear has crept in, on the other hand, what if people say no when I ask them for money, what if it's hard, what if I fail...etc. So I say to myself, just start asking, who cares. You can't predict the outcome. But, it has also forced me to ask the question of myself, is this what you want to be doing with your time? I think so, yes, it's important work and I do believe it makes a difference. In the midst of my scatteredness, though, I think, wouldn't it be nice to have something more stable, more consistent. Yes, but I wouldn't trade that consistency for the flexibility and time I get with my kids, ever.
I've been doing this month of gratitude on facebook, posting something daily (or at least most days) that I am grateful for. I find myself struggling some days to think of something and then I pinch myself, like duh, you have SO much to be grateful for. Why is this hard for you at the moment? I think I need to extend myself a little grace. It's okay to be ungrounded, to feel uncertain, fearful, and maybe what I'm thankful for today is that I don't feel like that every day.
That's all for now....I'm stuck.
4 comments:
When reading your post I was basically talking outloud to you, as usual in my world. I kept commenting on your comments and it was funny the way the next line in your post would say what I was saying to you! Does that make sense? When we become ungrounded is when we figure out a new way to become grounded again right, so your just repositioning! Something good is happening, really - I just feel it. Dig deep. xo
Just checking in...been feeling out of touch and just wanted you to know I'm here. Thinking of you, xo
I just wanted to check in to...thought I'd check out the other comments, as well as say hello to you... This entry made me think of something that I heard the other day about Fear..F=false E=evidence A=appearing R=real...
I had never heard that before but it made complete sense to me.
I love you, Sister and I am grateful for you in my life.
I meant check in tooooo.... :)
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