The Give and Take of Marriage

My husband and I celebrated our 9th anniversary last Wednesday. We actually had more one on one time last week than we have had in the last month, I think. We had 2 date nights and an evening out at a really fun party.
We had a fabulous dinner date the night of our anniversary. My husband thoughtfully planned the date, surprised me with a walk to a neighborhood restaurant we had not eaten at, he bought me jewelry from a new boutique that opened in his work building, he held my hand while we walked there and gave me a card with kind words and lots of love. It always feels good to spend time together, without children, to put us in the forefront. It's easy to put the relationship on the back burner with the busy-ness of a household of 3 children, our own needs, work inside and outside the home. There is just a lot going on. I'm happy to say that we are in a better space than I think we have ever been in. I feel like our marriage is, at the moment, on very solid ground. We have cleaned out most of the junk in the basement, so to speak, and so our foundation is good, solid, not messy or full of old stuff we don't need. Know what I mean?
I've learned a lot in my 9 years being married to this man. I think we teach one another a lot and the best part of our relationship is our willingness to work hard at it. It hasn't always been easy, it ebbs and flows, but we always come back to one another and are willing to have those hard conversations that get us to a better place. Here is what I've learned in our nine years of marriage...
Stop keeping score and ask for what you need. We both need time to ourselves, my needs are not more important than his. They are equally important. The catch is, he won't know what I need to take care of myself unless I speak up. It's so easy to get mad when your needs aren't being met and it's also very easy to expect your spouse to know what your needs are without telling him/her. They don't. Ask for what you need...they may not always be able to give it to you, but you feel better just asking. This one I learn and forget periodically. Fortunately, there is always another opportunity to learn it again.
It's the little things that add up...for better and for worse. The little thoughtful things add up as do the thoughtless little things. I think part of this is not taking one another for granted, not getting too deep in the ruts of routine that you don't realize what the other person is contributing. My husband rubs my feet almost every night. He rubs my back, my legs, my arms when they are sore. He lets me curl up in his lap on the couch and fall asleep. I make dinner most every night. I try to make it easy on him when I am not home at meal time. He buys me treats when he goes out of town for work - a pastry, a bar of soap from the monastery...little things that remind me that he is thinking of me.
Don't expect your partner to change. What you love about your spouse and what drives you crazy is not likely to change over the years. All you can do is change how you feel about it, extend a little grace and learn to let go. Early in our relationship, I was what I like to call the dream crasher (as opposed to the dream catcher that stops the bad dreams, I crashed down the good ones, well any ones.) My husband likes to dream out loud, big ideas, big plans. It used to drive me crazy, I was always the one to slap him back to reality telling him why this or that would never work. How not fun is that? I never liked how I felt when I did it and I can just about guarantee he never liked when I did it either. Who cares? It's just talk. Why not let someone dream big, it wasn't as if he was spending our life savings on some possibility...he was just talking, thinking out loud. I've learned to just listen, even if I think it is an impossible idea, who knows, sometimes he surprises me and makes things happen.
My husband really does know me, sometimes better than I know myself. He often calls me out on my internal turmoil before I am ready to acknowledge it. I don't hide it well. If there is discord, he wants me to air it, not hold it in and let it fester. Nine times out of ten I find myself smiling just at the fact that he knows me well enough to notice.
Focus on the big picture. This morning we argued or disagreed – no voices were raised – about the stinky smell in our kitchen. He was/is convinced it is the kitchen sink. I KNOW it is the refrigerator. My daughter was asking what the smell was and I was telling her about it while my husband piped in from the other room disagreeing – again! I called back at him that he was wrong, I'm the one who spends all the time in the kitchen, I know where the smell is coming from. Who cares really! We both want the same end result, the stinky smell to go away. As I tore apart the refrigerator, cleaning the shelves and drawers, he helped me and didn't say one word about it being a waste of time. He even suggested I put a container of baking soda in there to absorb any smells. Argument over. Smell gone (I think).
The long and short of marriage is that it is hard work. You have to show up even when you don't feel like it. You have to make your marriage the priority, even when the kids are little and it's hard to. We have such an opportunity to imprint on our kids, to show them what healthy relationships look like, to fight fair, to ask for forgiveness and to admit when we are wrong, to extend grace when we'd rather be self-serving, to give when it would be easier to take, to laugh and play and truly enjoy one another's company.